Already Gone

Weekends are always really tough for me. During the week, I have plenty of distractions like work, carpool and the many menial chores required of running a household. Weekends are quiet. There is time to reflect. Time to mourn. Time to miss. Time to long. Time to wonder what Erik’s future might have held had it not been lost forever.

By Sunday evening, I hit a particularly deep emotional low. I sat in my car in the Kroger parking lot, sobbing. ‘Please, Erik,’ I begged. ‘Please send me a message that will lift me out of this dark, dark place. I need a sign. I need a definite sign to give me a reason to go on.’ Then I gave him specific instructions. ‘I want you to make sure that the next song on the radio delivers that meaningful message. Not the second or third song, the next one!‘ When he was alive, I had trouble getting Erik to comply with my different requests like completing his chores and finishing his homework, so I didn’t hold out hope for this one. Nevertheless, my prayers to him were answered in a Kelly Clarkson song, “Already Gone.” Here are the lyrics:

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

They say our departed loved ones often use the radio to communicate with us. Erik’s older sister, Michelle, had a similar experience. More on that later. Listen to this wonderful song, this gift from Erik:

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Elisa Medhus


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  • There’s this book I’ll suggest you to read:”Think like a shrink”.It helped me a lot to understand defenses and powerful underlying emotions associated with some unfortunate events that take place in life and impact our life fully.

    • Thank you, Jose. I checked it out online and it does look like a wonderful book. xo

  • I’ve been catching up on your blog and what you are writing is so moving. I’m in tears this morning with this entry. If you don’t think this is Erik, I’m gonna have to come over there and thump you! This. is. Erik. It’s him, for real.

    • You’re sweet. I miss you.

  • Thanks for contacting me on my site. I will email later. I’ve been skipping around to a few posts and want to spend more time with it later. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I appreciate how you share both from your pain of missing Erik in our here and now and the peace and healing that you are experiencing through your connection with him.

    • Thanks, Janelle! Look forward to your email. 😉

  • Ulula Catherine

    Thank you for sharing your experiences ~ I found your blog from the Huffington Post article. I have been on the same quest to be touched by the afterlife since the passing of my father last year. I wanted to share one of my most wonderful experiences… In the days following my father’s passing, I was thinking of him constantly and always trying to remain open to communication from him. I remember driving down the road listening to the local pop music radio station. A random song had ended and the two hosts of the program had begun some innane discussion about some silly, unimportant topic. I wasn’t even paying attention, until, in the background of their discussion, my father’s song (one of his absolute favorites and one which was playing on his ipod in his hospital room when I left him for the very last time) began playing. The song, American Pie by Don McLean, (which is NOT a pop song which is ever played by this station) was playing loud and clear throughout their entire conversation! I was absolutely blown away! They continued their conversation as if they had NO IDEA that this song was playing. It played on for several minutes until they ended their conversation and went to commercial! They NEVER made reference to it, turned it off, or commented on it at all – I truly believe they had no idea it was playing. But it was coming out of the speakers in my car! It was the most extraordinary experience and one which fills me with certainty that my father lives on in the spirit world you describe. I can’t wait to read the entirety of your blog and learn more about my father’s world (and our next world) from your discussions with Eric! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Namaste

  • Ulula Catherine, that is SUCH a cool story! I’m so glad you’ve joined our family. We are connected now as one and I know we’re all going to learn so much from you and your wisdom. Love you!

  • Ulula Catherine

    You are obviously an enlightened soul, along with Erik – It is I who am grateful to learn from you!

    • You’re sweet Ulula. We’re one and the same, part and whole of the same magnificent consciousness. I’m glad we’re connected. Sweet dreams!

  • Tracy Lamont

    What beautiful words. And so appropriate. Once again, this has happened to me. Several times. Adam puts a song with a message on the radio for me when he know I need it. Our boys are so clever. I’m so glad I found you. By reading your stories I can confirm my own as fact instead of maybe. They try so hard to prove their existance that it must thrill them when we notice the things they do.
    Love and light, as always, Tracy x

  • Jan Drake Bakke

    Great song!!Says alot. So sad but so real!!God bless you Elisa!!And Erik too!! Many hugs!! Love Janxoxoxo

  • lauri harris

    my neice sent me the link to your blog today and i cant stop reading. i lost my son, odie, to cancer at the young age of 13. finding comfort in so many of your words. almost feels like odie may be using you and erik to reach out to me

  • bee

    after I found this blog I quietly asked my brother – who died of cancer seven years ago – to please give me a sign again, since he hadn’t appeared in my dreams for quite some time now. That was two days ago. Today I received a letter with a dvd, a video my brother recorded a year before he passed away. My sister in law happened to find this video as she was clearing his computer which hadn’t been touched for seven years – a lovely birthday song composition he had created with his little son. None of us knew about this film he had left on the computer. And I hadn’t said a word about longing for a sign from him.

  • I bet your brother nudged you to the blog! He wanted to communicate to you all along. How sweet!

  • Liz SF

    Right after my Dad passed, I would cry and talk to him constantly. One day I simply asked, “where are you?” the very next song was “Next to Me”.

  • lettyStarWorld025

    MADE ME CRY.

  • Kelly Pina

    Hello Elisa,
    I read the book life after death, a memoir from heaven, and I must say I read the book in 2 days. I could not put it down, it was powerful and moving especially because I lost my brother to suicide October 11th, 2015 which happens to be the same month your son passed away and the same year your first book about Erik was published hmmm what a coincidence. His name was Aaron he was 33 when he took his life. He had a beautiful 13 year old daughter who absolutely adored him. He was her world and was also my mother’s heart ♥. My brother and I were both heroin addicts, (I am in recovery today 14 months clean now). My brother and I were 6 years apart, I am now 40 years of age and started doing drugs at 23, after I graduated from college I lived in New York and kind of lost my way but I’d always manage to pull myself together when I would hit rock bottom. I also suffer from bipolar disorder, and I’m dually diagnosed because of my addiction. My life was crumbling little by little until I met someone who swept me off my feet. We had a child together and I thought for sure that motherhood would be the answer to all my problems because I had finally found happiness. To make a long long story short, it didn’t, I relapsed over and over again until my daughter’s father took her away from me. It was at that point that I felt I had no purpose in life. I had failed my child, my family but most of all myself. And it was at that point when the depression really took a toll on me. By this time I had found out that my brother was abusing 30 mg percocet for a back injury he had from a car accident. As this monster I call addiction progressed my brother was unable to afford buying the pills on the street anymore and began to use heroin with me, “because I told him it was cheaper”. My brother was my mother’s favorite, I know she loved me just as much but their relationship was allot tighter then mine was with my mother. She enabled him, while she had police officers looking for me on a section 35 Warrant because she felt my addiction was so bad and that if she didn’t do something I was going to end up dead. I hated her for sectioning me and not my brother. I think she may regret not sectioning now. He would tell her that I would get high in the basement and give her details of how I would do it which later became a blessing in Disquise. But he’d never admit that he did it with me. I was supplying my brother most of the time with drugs because I always had ways or access to them even if we didn’t have any money and I hated seeing him go through withdrawal because I knew what it felt like. But I got to a point where I started to miss my child and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I told my brother that I was checking into detox and that he should come with me because the gig was up and it wasn’t fun anymore it was just a nightmare that happened all day. After detox I decided that I needed further treatment and at least 6 months of it. On October 9th I had about 4 months clean I was still in a program and I hadn’t heard from my mom in a few days because I had been working. So I decided to call her and when she answered the phone she was crying and began to tell me how my brother had shown up at the house asking to Boro $40 for a flat tire. She said he didn’t look well, he was pale and clammy and she knew something wasn’t right. She didn’t give him any money so he asked her for a ride to his car and my mother said before she even got close to where his car was he said mom let me out right here. He got out of the car and began walking down the street and it was at that point my mother got this eerie feeling she was never going to see him again. 45 minutes later my brother was arrested for robbing a convenient store for $600. He went to jail and his bail was about $100,000 which my parents could not afford at the time. My brother was on the front page of the newspaper as well as the news. It was awful and it was at that point that I told my mother he was going to be OK and that sometimes jail saves lives especially for addicts. She felt a little better and I told her to get some rest and that I was going to call the jail to get his information so I could write him a letter to lift his spirits. The next day October 11th, I called my mom to see if she had spoken to my brothers lawyer and when she answered she was balling her eyes out. I asked her what was wrong and from that point on all I remember her saying was “Aaron killed himself today,” my body froze I started to scream and I dropped the phone, I was still in a program at that time so my counselor and everyone ran over to me to find out what was wrong. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. My brother hung himself in his cell. He didn’t have a cell mate which probably made it easy for him. I know exactly how my brother was feeling at that very moment. Dope sick, embarrassed, ashamed, hopeless and knowing that he was going to be in jail for a long time. Oh Elisa my mother and I have just been so broken. My mom is so broken that she won’t cook or celebrate any holidays. She only texts and never calls. She tires easily and has lost interest in allot of the things she used to do. I myself became lost again after my brothers death because I felt guilty for giving him drugs and enabling him and his addiction. The past 14 months has been hard work staying clean. On January 18th, of 2015 I had just returned my daughter to her father from having her for the weekend. I got back to my mom’s and had this uncontrollable urge to inject heroin. So I made a call and that’s what I did. I injected it and the next thing I remember is waking up on the floor in my parents basement with paramedics all around me after administering 3 viles of narcan in my nose because I had overdosed. My father said my mother got this weird feeling while she was lying in her bed upstairs. She called my dad and told him to go to the top of the basement steps and call my name. When I didn’t answer he came down and found me with a needle in my arm, slumped over a chair not even breathing and blue. My father is also physician and gave me CPR until the paramedics came. Since that incident I have not had a drink or a drug. I truly believe that my brother saved my life. He forewarned her about the drug use in the basement in the past but it was at that very moment of overdosing that he whispered in her ear silently, “go check on Kelly”. After reading your book I look at suicide differently. I’m not angry at my brother anymore, battling addiction really took a toll on him and his soul. I think he knew deep inside he wasn’t going to be able to fight this monster all the time, so he did what he needed to do to find eternal peace and I’m truly happy for him. Your son’s words and wizdom about the afterlife give me hope that there really is something to look forward to when my work here on earth is done and that I’ll see him again. I honestly feel like Aaron and Erik have connected, and my brother lead me to read this book so I could share it with my mother to lift her spirits and give her hope. She has downloaded the book and on board to start reading it. My brother always comes to me in my dreams and he’s never pale or clammy, he looks really angelic almost as if he’s been photo shoped. To me that symbolizes spiritual life, love, health and freedom from all the burdens he endured here on earth. I’ve learned so much from my brothers death. I’ve learned that life is precious and no matter what your going through don’t be afraid to ask for help. Life is tough sometimes it’s not always going to peaches and cream, but life as an addict can be overwhelming sometimes, so for me I live my life minute by minute, it’s just easier for me that way. This book has truly helped to mend my heart that actually felt like it was breaking in my chest at one point. You and Erik have given my mother and I so much hope. God bless you, Erik and the rest of your family. I hope you both realize how much you are helping mothers and siblings deal with the loss of a loved one to suicide.

    • Your story made my eyes well up with tears. I just hate that you, your mother and the entire family has suffered so much. Please know that he’s still here, but without a body and the physical and mental conditions that may have plagued it in life. I’m sure he wants to continue to have a relationship with him. Have you tried to channel him yourself? Or you can use the eBoard to converse with him. That might help your mom. I’d really recommend reaching him through Kim Babcock, Heather Quinto, Robert Burke, Alison Allen or one of the other talented mediums I’ve used. Can you keep me posted about everything? I’m so glad you’re still here. I’m sure Erik and Aaron are now buddies working from their side to help.

      • Kelly Pina

        I actually wasn’t aware of the eboard. Where can I find it? And yes I will definately keep you posted on the progress we make in channeling Aaron. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Once again have a wonderful day and God bless.

      • I still think Jamie has them. Check it out. It’s http://www.withloveandlight.com. It takes two people to make it work though. You need a negative and positive pole for energy to flow.

  • WOW… this tore my heart out .. beautiful xo

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