Connecting with Loved Ones

Me: Here’s one from a blog member. “I would like to ask Erik what we can do to help our loved ones come through to us. I’ve read that when we’re depressed, it blocks the connection, but it’s such a brick wall! How do you drop the grief to get the message? I know my loved ones are safe and in a wonderful place, but their physical absence hurts. I know we all here know this anyway, but how about a few 101 lessons on helping us dudes on this plane lift the veil to hear them.” You know, to get past that grief that makes it so difficult to, uh, our vibrations are so much lower, in other words, than y’all’s so it’s hard for y’all to meet us halfway.

Erik: Yeah. First of all, I’d say stop judging yourself that the way that you’re grieving is wrong or that you need to be doing something better. If you take off that burden or that weight that maybe you’re not doing it right or you’re doing it too much or that your friends don’t want to hear you bitch and complain about the sadness of the loss again and again and again. You know, if you just stop doing that shit—that judging crap—than you’ll find out that when you go to grieve it feels really good to do it. And then pretty soon it’ll just kind of lighten and lighten and lighten up. But—

Jamie: He puts his head in his hand. Like on his forehead. He throws his head down. Oh, I say, ‘Is your brain hurting because you’re thinking so much?’

We both giggle.

Jamie: And he says, “No, I was just trying to find that really clear definition of if you’re fully depressed, then you need chemical help or you need physician or therapy help. Like you can’t just grieve on like you are.

Me: Yeah. Yeah.

Erik: Like if you’re doing this shit for more than six months and you’re not getting enough relief, then you need to march your ass where you’re going to see a doctor or someone to help you set up a plan to feel better. But if you find out what you’re doing by the step of removing the judgment and how should I grieve—what’s right, what’s wrong, and you just start grieving the way you need to, just be honest with how you feel—

Me: Mm hm.

Erik: —and you find relief in that, and it gets better and better, and you find some smiles start sneaking in, then you’re on the right path. Keep doing it. Some people, man they make—

Jamie (to Erik, laughing): Great visual.

Jamie (to me): The visual is they put a garden in their front yard, and all of a sudden this person’s garden has flowers in six weeks. The whole thing. Where the other person’s doesn’t get flowers until a year later.

Me (with solemn realization that that person is me): Yeah.

Erik: Timing is unimportant. As long as you are seeing a success in having joy come into your life, that’s the goal. The more joy you get, the easier it is to become a reciprocal—

Me: Recipient?

Jamie (giggling): Recipient! I knew I had it wrong! Sound it out, Jamie! I think I took giggle pills today.

Me: I think we all did!

Jamie: Phew. Okay, going back. C’mon. You lost me, Erik. Go back.

Erik: If more smiles are coming in, then it’s going to be easier for them to feel their loved one around in a positive way rather than it triggering, “Oh, I have that loss to deal with all over again.” It’s going to trigger, “Oh, look, now I have this way to figure out how this new relationship’s gonna work.”

Me: So are you saying, uh, would just simply smiling when you feel grief be one of the simple things we can do to help raise our vibration for example?

Erik: Yeah. Well, yeah, you can fake the smile.

Me: Yeah. Fake it till you make it.

Erik: Yeah. You could, uh, right then and there, be really honest with how you feel, even if it’s a bunch of horrible words. Embrace ‘em. Love ‘em. Tell yourself you’re doing the right thing for you.

Me: Okay.

Erik: And once you start doing that, you’ll actually start to feel better, because the body’s like, “Why am I crying? Nobody’s there holding my hand. Am I just crying to listen to myself? Then you’ll have this internal dialogue with your ego, and we all love doing that, right? So much fun!

I can detect a tiny note of sarcasm here.

Erik: That’s probably when you need to go get high.

Jamie and I laugh.

Me: Nice segue.

Erik: You’re welcome. But then you recognize that often grief is there because your ego is hurting, and you’re actually really okay with the person’s death. It’s just that your ego is screaming so hard that you’ve been wronged or that you’re not being acknowledged as a victim or that you’re not getting the energy that you need. Then you need to ask why are you such a pussy that you can’t stand up and ask from your friends and family about the way you need to be treated.

Me: Ah!

Erik: You know?

Me: Yeah.

Erik: Cuz some people will just stay in that victim pattern, “Poor me; poor me. I lost my husband. I lost this, and now my whole life is changed.” Well that’s fine if you’re figuring it out and shit, but if you’re getting six months past, you know or a year into it or four or five or six years, why is it that that type of energy is working for you? You need to know why? You need to ask yourself, because that’s the only one who’s going to give you the answer.

Me: Mm hm. That’s true.

Erik: And then, I always say, if you don’t like something, change it. You know, change isn’t always that easy. Maybe you start crying again, and you realize you don’t like crying anymore.

Me: Yeah.

Erik: It’s not fitting you. It’s not suiting you. It’s not getting the release out, and so you tell yourself to stop crying, and you start coming out of it, but then later in the day you do it again or three days later it happens again. And that change just takes a little discipline. But you do it only when it stops giving you the relief you need. And you gotta find that supplement. Maybe you don’t like that crying anymore and maybe you found a lot more release and a lot more satisfaction in writing. So, when you start to cry, grab your pen and paper. What you’ll recognize is that the crying will go away and you’ll start journaling and getting that energy.

Me: Okay.

And that’s just what I did.

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Elisa Medhus


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  • Iola Regnier Gomez

    Early on, when it was hard to get thru even a single hour, I would force myself to smile..felt more like a grimace at first, but after awhile, it was an honest smile. I truly believe it helps to heal…and finding something to make you laugh..long and hard..its such a relief to know its still there. I even used to feel guilty when I did laugh, but now its like, I can hear Drew laughing with me. love ya, Erik..you are spot on!

  • Anne Read

    “So, when you start to cry, grab your pen and paper. What you’ll recognize is that the crying will go away and you’ll start journaling and getting that energy.” This is sooo true Elisa,and thank you for grabbing pen and paper,we are all benefitting ,gr8 post from your team.

  • Jan Drake Bakke

    I love this and thank you Erik!! Writing has been such a relief for me. I did feel guilty to smile at first but then realized they would want me to be smiling and trying to be happy. I try to do this just for them too. I know they are here with me. We always had so much fun and I can hear them laugh and say some of their words of humor and fun. I still cry too but it is so short now. Great blog Elisa!! Thanks to all of you and Jamie!!

  • Deb

    Right on, my friend.

  • Simon

    I used to cry a lot about what I couldn’t change but learned to role with the changes and it helps a lot.

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