Fear of Death

I don’t know why I felt hell bent for leather to ask this question of Erik. Maybe one of you can help me figure that out.

Me: Now, I don’t know why I need to know this, but before you killed yourself, weren’t you a little bit afraid that there would be no afterlife? I mean, what did you think?

Erik: No.

Me: Did you think there was going to be one, or was it not important to you?

Erik: Unfortunately the latter. It wasn’t that important to me; I just had to get away from what I was in.

Me: Yeah.

Erik: Any option, Mom, was going to be better than what was going on in my head.

Me: But what did you think was going to happen after you pulled that trigger and killed yourself? Did you think it was just going to be oblivion, or—

Erik: No! No, I really just thought it would be peaceful; I really didn’t think it would be me, dead, not being able to do anything. It would just be quiet. I knew it would be quiet.

Me: Well, did you think your consciousness would survive?

Erik: I never really thought about it.

Me: Wow. Well, you’ve had contact with the afterlife with that near death experience you had from that overdose several months before your death, so maybe that was a determining factor in you being more comfortable with the idea of suicide.

Erik: It did make me more comfortable. I just knew it was going to be okay. It wasn’t scary or full of fear. It was just going to be okay.

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Elisa Medhus

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  • Lisa Potter

    When I work with suicide survivors, I remind them that at the time of suicide, most people are far beyond being rational, they just want to get rid of the pain, so perhaps it’s common for them to give less thought as to what is ahead, and all thought to simply stopping. It is really quite beautiful that in spite of the horror for everyone involved, this sweet boy knew it was all going to be okay. And “okay” turned into such an incredible understatement! But still so hard for family to work through the grief….

  • Clau Bueno

    Hi Elisa,
    some times I think some people think 2 ways: that they will dye and go for a better place (or hell :p ), or they die and this is it. But I do think that most of the times, the fear is not about the death but about what you are leaving behind. I don’t know if I am good to explain that. But I think people are afraid of what they are missing, what they are leaving here and not be a part of it anymore. – the famous “afraid of the unknown”… i think is afraid of not know that what is coming can be full filling. For Erik, it seem that he was not afraid of what he was leaving behind because anything else would bring him peace.

    Love you all and big hugs,

  • That question is as logical as 2 + 2 = 4.

    I have a memory from age 8 or 9 when I tried to “remember”. The conscious, directed effort came about because I felt sad for the first time; my childhood was fun up to that point; sprouting bullies arrived on schedule and one of my first planned steps in life presented itself. The purpose was completed for me and the bullies yet I recall the sensation of a blockage or barrier as I thought back over the glee I often felt with my brothers, and tried to remember whatever could be remembered from being a toddler or infant. It was if I’d encountered an intentional cover up, a blanket cast over some evidence to both hide it yet show something was underneath; a large padlock on a metal door, a big combination dial on a walk-in safe. Access denied; material within. This information was clearly from before being a baby. I couldn’t, and cannot, recall early childhood at all but from age 3; I have vivid recollections. The safe door to my memories held something else, something from before. Decades later, I understand.

    I can put myself in Erik’s place from about his age Elisa told me his bipolarity began; I remember that age myself and what took place inside my mind.

    I’ve been accused of using words well; I’ve never believed it entirely. I don’t doubt the sincerity of anyone who has said it – I’m flattered and humbled – but inside my head, I know what I’m thinking and how I struggle to express what I see, feel and know. Words are so limiting, so minuscule and so deficient. Imagine a wonderful painting seen as a jigsaw puzzle with 2/3 of the pieces missing. On the best days at the ideal moments I barely come close to describing things properly. I have studied complex formulas yet find them simultaneously intriguing and confusing; there are no equations to state what I want to say; because the concepts aren’t (yet) known on Earth. I feel like I’m being told to review the architecture of a finished house after only being permitted to see one pallet of bricks at the building site before construction. When I start to describe how the house would be put up and what else goes into it, I’m either shouted down or told I just don’t get it. So if I were to set out a double hexdratic equation for calculating dimensional destinations of movement (which measure the parameters, location and sub-dimensional shift points when Erik retrieves Marilyn Monroe and then walks her home) I’d be told there is no such word as hexdratic, there is no math formula for calculation of 12 variables comprised of two pairs of six symbiotically inverse values and it isn’t possible to move between and within dimensions. Plus, I’m crazy to believe dead people can fetch dead people and speak to the living.

    I can see exactly the thoughts that bounced through Erik’s head, how the world around him resisted his effort to make himself understood and accepted and the confusion that resulted. The growing despair, frustration, self-doubt and efforts to repair, fix and remedy his place never squared with his good feelings, intentions and actions. I have crashed into these circumstances repeatedly, watching others be accepted, rewarded and embraced while my same efforts ended up shipwrecked.

    Since that young age, I’ve always known there was a “before” and “after” and that being here is only a phase.

    To read that Erik didn’t consider what would follow his decision to go back makes complete and absolutely logical sense (to me).

  • Maria

    Wow, Patrick, you certainly do have a way with words…I don’t even know most of the words you have written!! Good job!I can relate to the analogy with the puzzle, though.

    So, one question I have of Elisa is: at what age did bi-polarity manifest for Erik? ….I think some of us are so acutely sensitive and empathic, as I know I am, that it is very painful to experience life with it’s confusions, limitations and frustrations. I really feel for Erik that whatever was going on in his mind, that he had reached the tipping point of sustaining his life here. It must have been unbearable. Bless you Patrick, Erik, and Elisa and your family. This blog is certainly expanding my thinking.

  • Erik was around 17 when he started to get a darker side. Sometimes I wonder if he was just a sensitive/intuitive/Indigo that just couldn’t take the pain that they often have to bear.

    • I, also, at the age of 17, became depressed. I wonder, are there other people whom experience a darker side around the age of 17? Could there be a reason behind this? Is this darker side a way of grounding, into reality, certain people? At the age of 25, I still find myself full of positive energy. However, the depression seems to stick with me. Especially, when I think I’m on the rigth path. I once heard someone state that there are things known as, “shadows”. They are things that keep up from succeeding. They keep us from reaching enlightenment and our destiny. Is this true?

    • Hey Elisa,
      If you get another hug from your sweet son, will you give him a big one for me too? Wish so much I was there with you all. Tell cowboy that I love him.
      Have a margarita for me!!!!

    • marie

      Sometimes I leave this site in awe and wonderment on why Erik could not find the little peace within he needed to stay with his loved once here on earth. Clearly he was loved.Was his despair coming from within or was it manifested from external issues or a little of both? Does it matter? This is what confuses me.
      There is not doubt in my mind that Erik was indeed a sensitive/intuitive/Indigo human being. Sadly in the world today there is very little room for people like Erik and myself. It is a daily struggle to stay grounded and want to be here.
      Glad he is finally at peace. Super happy that you still have such a strong connection with him. One that makes you both shine!

  • Maybe you’re right. Maybe he thought anything would be better than what he was suffering from at the time, over the last few years of his life.

    • Nancy Antia

      His love for you and the rest of his family and friends has remained intact. What I’ve learned from Erik is that love is stronger than suffering no matter how miserable one can feel down here. I wish I was where he is doing what he’s doing!

  • Oh, but how I long to have him back, but I want him back “Okay” rather than miserable.

  • Rocci

    Once Abraham was asked about suicide because her brother had also shot himself and he was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and was very depressed. Abraham told her to imagine that she and her brother were going to see a movie. The sister is enjoying the movie while the brother is bored and can not sit through the move. He is not having a good time and just wants to escape. So the sister stays and the brother tells her he is leaving but she could stay and finish the movie since she is enjoying it so much. For the brother, his life was not joyful and he was suffering. He just wanted to escape from his pain and the noise in his head so he left via suicide. Abraham told her he was now happy on the other side as she was happy with life here. I really understood why someone would want to end their life in that way.
    Erik is so liberated from all that was making him suffer. At least he is free and has found peace. I guess if we have awareness, there is no such thing as death. I think Erik was aware of this. Blessings to you, Elisa and much love and healing to you and your family.

  • Preenaparekh

    Hi Elisa, when Erik talks about why he chose to take his own life, he sounds so justified and right in yearning to achieve the peace and quiet. It was so impossible to life his life, and people who are depressed are beyond reasoning. My question is why should we stop someone from being at peace, why do we need to pursue some to suffer and fight for a peaceful living? I know you need to learn your life lessons and all but I can’t seem to understand why we stop them from achieving that happiness and peace?

  • amy cavanaugh

    Interesting for sure-last night I wrote an essay on how we are deathaphobic-next week I start working at hospice-my job-and Erik agrees is to teach people not to fear death-but at the same time-I hope I dont make it sound so glamous and fun that people start jumping off bridges.

  • He was very loved, but there are some people who can be surrounded by love and still feel very lonely. That’s how it was with him. Maybe he had to feel full of inner demons and misery in order to now help those who feel the same. I’m just not sure. The world is a cruel place for those who come into it bursting with love and light. Other’s just don’t understand people like that. They suspect ulterior motives or they get irritated or angry when that love shines on the darkness in their own hearts. So, Erik just kept getting knocked down again and again until the light gets slapped out of them.

  • That’s what Erik says too. He says the last thing you want to do is try to talk someone out of it, that you should ask them to make sure that there are no other paths out of their misery, but like Erik, sometimes suicide is their destiny. Since we all choose our exit points between lives as we plan that life, I guess all deaths are suicides in a way.

  • Wow, that’s the best analogy I’ve heard! For poor Erik, life was like sitting in a dark theatre watching a Fellini flick with french subtitles. Sigh.

  • I’m not sure about the shadows. Maybe that’s past life baggage. I think we’re the only ones that keeps ourselves from succeeding because we have free will, but the free will of others and events from past lives can make staying on our path challenging.

  • I’m not sure about the shadows. Maybe that’s past life baggage. I think we’re the only ones that keeps ourselves from succeeding because we have free will, but the free will of others and events from past lives can make staying on our path challenging.

  • Candis

    I have experienced clinical depressions in the past and I did not know what they were then, or what was going on, but I did feel like I was literally caught in the depths “hell” and that there was nothing that I knew of on this earth that would release me. That is when the option of suicide became attractive to me. I was almost completely disconnected from “source” – god, whatever you need to call it. I think it is a passage that a lot of people encounter in this lifetime and, as with all paths, there will be different outcomes for each soul – depending on where they need to go with it.

  • liz

    Elisa, did you do a longer posting on Erik’s overdose? For some reason I’m forgetting this moment–if it’s too painful to write about, then please wait until it feels right!

    Keep it up,

  • No I didn’t but I will because now that I think about it, the story is important to how things with Erik evolved.

  • Sharneshaan

    Hi Elisa, I could never imagine what you must feel loosing a son, I have two and love them so much and at the same time one of my boys has already survived what I believe was two exit points, he had a severe case of whooping cough at 3 months old. I was into alternate health and treated him myself, he survived! I also believe I came into this life with a built in understanding of anothers right to die, not feeling sad for the other that died, kind of relieved for them, at the same time I clearly saw how it affected others and could understand their pain, also knowing they were feeling the pain for their personal loss. So…. somerhing I am wondering because only you could know, perhaps you take Erik’s death personally, feel responsible, guilty, a failure as a mother. I am only bringing attention to this because I could understand feeling grief in this way and also you asked for feedback. I believe every individual is responsible for their life and death choices, his choice in my opinion had nothing at all to do with you. We give our children an avenue for life and it is totally their journey, including, I believe their choosing as as their parents. I only wish you peace around Erils choice to find peace the way he did and perhaps one day to feel joy he chose you as a parent to support him on his continuing journey.

  • Sharneshaan

    Oops sorry about the typos my iPad spassed out. Much love Sharne

  • Oh gosh, I went through so many emotions it’s hard to count. But fortunately we had such a close and affectionate relationship that he died knowing that he was really, really loved. All parents make mistakes, but love seems to overwhelm those and make them trivial. So, I guess what I’m saying is I know I’m not perfect as a parent or, well, human being, but I don’t feel guilty because I gave him all the love he wanted, needed and more! xox Elisa

  • Brianna Parker

    Im having trouble finding it here so ill just ask here. Do we die only when its our time to die or are there premature deaths for some??? I was told im going to live a long time which is nice to hear as im terrified of death because its an unknown and i have no memories of past lives so as of this current life o have no conscious idea qhat death is like and what happens to ua. Erik can describe death all he wants but it still doesn’t ease my anxiety. I fear dying to soon due to poor past and current choices. James van praagh says there are no accidents.we die when we are supposed to. And we ddcide that before incarnating. Thats a comforting thought but im atill nor convinced its a definite fact. Sp what’s erik say about it???

    • We basically have potential exit points that we design prior to incarnation, but we decide when and how.

      • Brianna Parker

        Lol that’s great!!! 3 psychics ive met along the way, one said you will love to 102 the other said at least 98 and last channeling session with marc i was told I will live for a long time so stop fearing death and worrying you will die more sooner then later. So much i want to do and accomplish but fear of death has led my life. I’ve often thought why bother following ones dreams when its all going to end the same way (in death) being succeasful and good doesn’t rack up points u can use to live longer… Lol so I’ve often felt, why bother trying so hard to reach for the stars when im just gonna die someday like everyone else.probably much sooner because of mistakes in my life. Well maybe now i can stop worrying when it will happen since I’m told not for a long long time and definitely not before im supposed to apparently cuz there is no premature deaths. Good deal!!! Heck if i could live forever i would. As long as i can get a break from the physical sometimes and chase erik around cuz hes just to adorable!!! Thanks elisa!!!

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