Karma and Estranged Children

I know, I know. This is a weird title, but it’s because these two recycled posts are so short, and I already skipped posting on Labor Day, so I didn’t want you guys to feel short-changed!

We’ve been having a great time chilling with family in Norway here up in the mountains near Geilo. We’ve also been working hard, mowing the roof of the cabin and painting the outside as well as washing all the windows. Today, I’m going to finish the exterior of the windows, clean the fireplace and paint the two small decks. Then I’m going to take a long hike with Rune because I’ve gained 5 to 7 pounds lately, and it interferes with my work. Let me explain. I can always tell when I need to go on a mini-diet when my computer trackpad starts acting crazy. It took me a while to figure it out, but my small lap pad of fat drapes over the edge of the computer and dances across the trackpad as I type. I’ll be damed if I’m going to let my lap pad type faster than me. If I don’t rein in my calories and start exercising more, it’s going to be able to crank out an entire book, “How Elisa Medhus Gave me Life.” 

Back to the roof. Yes, we have to mow it because it’s made of sod just like in the olden days. A relative took a video of Rune mowing it with a drone he uses for marketing. Check it out on my personal Facebook page.

One more story about the cabin. The neighbor’s sheep has made it a habit of communing on our porch together and crapping all over it. It was so bad that we had to buy a pressure washer to clean it off. I was telling my sister, Laura, about this, and she was horrified. “How can that be? Aren’t there trespassing laws there?” ‘No, not really. It’s not like in the States,’ I replied. She went on and on about how we should call the police or other authorities and how we shouldn’t let this stand. After about 5 minutes, I realized that she was more upset than I was about it, and I asked her, ‘Why are you so incensed?’ Well, apparently, the entire time she thought I said sheik instead of sheep, so she thought these Arabian sheiks were squatting (as in taking over our porch) and squatting (as in taking a crap on it.) The images in my head were priceless, and I couldn’t stop belly laughing for several minutes. Anyway, on to the post. Enjoy, guys! And thanks for refraining from emailing, private messaging and directing comments to me. I’m on a major data restriction diet because the Internet is very expensive here.

Me: Why are adult children estranging themselves from their parents in record numbers.

Jamie: Adult children. What does that mean?

Me: Children who are already adults. Progeny. They’re not talking to their parents anymore; they don’t have anything to do with them, sort of like excommunicating themselves from their parents, you know?

Jamie: Oh, okay. I get it; I get it. I don’t know why, but I get a funny magnet image in my head.

Me: Oh, no!

Jamie (laughing, then with sarcasm): Wonder where that came from! (pause) He’s just looking at the United States.

(Pause)

Jamie (to Erik): I have NO idea what you just said.

We both giggle.

Jamie (to Erik): You got all technical on me. Take it down all slow and simple.

(Long pause)

Jamie (to Erik): Okay. That was very slow and simple. He said, “Something has to break before it gets fixed.”

Erik: Our culture is learning about the care of elderly and death and dying. It has never been secure in our culture for a child to be responsible and care for the elderly or the parent as they become older. It’s never been a requirement in our culture. It’s been a requirement in other cultures.

Me: Yes.

Erik: Fuck that. It hasn’t been a requirement; it’s been a compassionate gesture in other cultures. It’s just not in ours. It really has to break apart and break down before the children realize, “That is not what I want.”

Me: Mmm.

Erik: The grandchildren. We’re looking at three levels. The grandchildren wake up and say, “I don’t want that, no fucking way!” So, they change the movement of our culture into accepting death and dying as a compassionate gesture for their parents.

Me: Interesting. I completely agree. We so need to redefine death as a transformation from one dimension to the next rather than an ominous end. Maybe this next generation will do that.

Erik: Yes.

 

*************

 

Me: One of the blog members has questions about karma: “I have two understandings about karma, and I want to see how correct they are and how they fit together. I’ve met psychics who can look at me … and I’ve heard of masters being able to cleanse karma…this makes me see karma as a cloudy dark substance that’s in the energy field. But I also gather that karma is only our grasping of an illusory reality—not being willing to just let things “be.” So, when something makes us upset, angry, etc., that’s basically our fighting within ourselves because the outer reality only reflects back what we put out. So, it’s really about thinking that’s the focus. Your karma’s ignorant and to be free of karma is to understand, accept, forgive and love. Are both true? Is the detachable karma in our energy fields the physical manifestation of our thoughts and emotions, uh, what is karma, basically? Phew!

Jamie laughs.

Erik: First of all, remember karma is a manmade word.

Me: Exactly. I remember that well. You said that a long time ago.

Erik: Karma is individually designed by you, yourself—it’s not given to you or pushed upon you by some other greater source saying that if you misbehave in the next life, you will have to do this. It is your choice saying that, “I did this action in this life. I would like to counteract it or balance it or experience a different perspective in this life.” There’s no good or bad to karma. It’s just a definition of your understanding to take those person’s words—what you take out is what you put back. But it’s all done by inner design, inner choice. It’s not like a greater religious cause or pushed upon you somehow.

Me: Okay.

Erik: Oh, and by the way, there are many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many—

Jamie (sighing): Go ahead. Say that a few more times.

Erik: — people on Earth that don’t have karma whatsoever, because they’ve learned to accept their life and their moment without using the definition of punishment. “If I do something good, I get rewarded.” “If I do something bad, I get punished.”

Me: So, Erik, what he’s saying about fighting within ourselves—that’s part of what karma is as a human construct. To be free from karma is to understand, accept, forgive and love. That makes more sense, right?

Erik: Yes.

 

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Elisa Medhus


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  • Lorri

    I thought this was going to be about adult children distancing themselves from abusive parents. So Erik is talking about adult children distancing themselves for no reason?

    • 403LEC

      I am a bit confused as well.

      • MattyNme

        When you are estranged from your child, it is one of life’s most difficult emotional issues no matter ‘why’ it happened. If the focus is only on the cause being ‘abusive’, every parent who is living without their child in their life would continue to drown in the despair because we would all be thrown into that category of being abusive parents. Believe me, I live with enough guilt. I always go to a place of self blame, that I let my daughter down. Never was it about not loving her. I love her always with my heart and soul, BUT somehow we, her parents are the cause of her separation from us. Now that is hard to live with. So please understand why I need this addressed with Erik on other levels than just abusive parents. How productive is that to further blame the parents for this heartbreak, assuming estrangement is because of abuse. Just count yourself very fortunate that your life does not have estrangement from your child because it is living with the heartbreak of losing your child. It is understandable why some of you are totally detached from this life experience because estrangement from a child is socially justified be the parents must have been abusive and deserve it. I always say we don’t know an experience unless we experience it ourselves.

      • 403LEC

        MattyNme….my heart goes out to you. I have this same situation ongoing in my life right now. I feel your pain/guilt/confusion/frustration and understand exactly how you feel. I would like to caution you about mean-spirited people who get on this blog and send hateful replies to those of us that have gone out on a limb and expressed ourselves on this subject. Thank you for having the courage to express yourself. Sending you love and understanding.

      • MattyNme

        ((((((403LEC))))))) Hugs and more hugs as we share a life path we never thought possible. I have such a difficult time reconciling this life path spiritually. I know in my heart who I am ,as a caring, compassionate person. Our daughter always says it is not about ‘love’. I only can think that she is suffering so much herself with a mental illness that she thinks she is sparing us by not being in her life. Oh how my heart hurts for her.

      • 403LEC

        One good thing, if that’s possible in a situation like this, is that your daughter at least said “it’s not about love”. My daughter doesn’t even talk to me at all. I have no clue what is going on with her and I so wish I did. Maybe there would be a chance for a reconciliation or understanding if only she would communicate her issues. In this blog, I think Erik said that our children CHOOSE us before they come into this life for what they can learn from us. If I understand correctly, this is all about that contract we have on the other side before we come into this life. With that said, it still hurts!

      • MattyNme

        Our daughter does not talk to us at all either. It was in the earlier estrangement days that she said, ‘it wasn’t about love’. In recent times when we email/texted her , she responded with anger that she wants no contact with us and for us to respect that. Our hearts are broken. We do not fit in socially with our friends. Everyone talks and brags about their children and grandchildren. We can only listen and have nothing to contribute. It is always a reminder of our losses, and loneliness. Yes, I do feel sorry for my husband and myself. At least we are strong together and with that I am blessed. We are growing old together, married 48 years in December. I think and worry about our daughter every day. She has had a very difficult life path…..emotional issues, losing her brother, a divorce from a emotionally detached man, and several failed neck surgeries that leaves her in chronic pain. Oh how my heart hurts for her.

      • 403LEC

        MattyNme….omg we have SO much in common. I would enjoy chatting with you on email but I don’t know how to exchange email addresses in a safe way. If this appeals to you please let me know. Maybe Elisa could help us out. One last time…you read my warning to you about hateful people on this blog right?? Please be aware.

      • MattyNme

        No I don’t recall seeing your warning. Thanks for the heads up. My feelings get hurt so easily but I also get very defensive on this issue. My motto has been forever:’ You don’t really know anything unless you experience it yourself’ Experience is knowledge not hearsay or an opinion. I am sorry we are walking a similar heartbreak but since that is a fact, I would appreciate the ability to have a personal contact with you. I believe Elisa is out of the country but when she returns, let’s contact her for an exchange of our email addresses. I just thought, isn’t there a way to find each other on FaceBook and we could private message each other.

      • 403LEC

        Sounds great! Looking forward to it 🙂

      • MattyNme

        Please read my reply above and below.

    • MattyNme

      There is always a reason but it is not always about ‘abuse’. The reason could that the child could be suffering from a mental disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder. Please read my comment below. I am afraid parents feel safer when they think there must have been abuse in the family so that it frees them from the fear that it could happen in their life and it also feels better to justify the estrangement with abuse.

  • Errin

    This blog post resonated with me in so many ways. I am somewhat estranged from my mother and my family because…..something in me is changing, I cannot put my finger on it. In my heart, I love my mother and my family so much, but something in me is changing, and I feel I need to be a part from them to allow this……. whatever it is to manifest. I keep having dreams that my life is about to change and no far nothing has happened, so I guess I’m still waiting on what’s going to happen. I miss my mama and my family and the way things used to be, but I know I need to grow and mature in order to return…

    I guess.

    • Maybe your spiritual contract with them has been fulfilled.

      • errintaylor1980@gmail.com

        Does that mean I’m going to pass on???

  • Lelabelle

    I can understand children (adult) distancing themselves from abusive parents BUT I don’t understand an adult distancing themselves from a loving parent(s). This has happened in my life and causes terrible emotional pain.

    • {{{Hugs}}}

      • Nick Diaz

        Lol nice reply :D. Lelabelle you are what is causing the emotional pain plain and simple

      • Lelabelle

        Thank you Nick 🙂

      • Lelabelle

        Please explain. Maybe I misinterpreted what you said.

      • Lelabelle

        Why would you say that?

      • Lelabelle

        Thank you for your compassion Elisa 🙂

    • MattyNme

      Same here! My husband and I love our children all heart and soul. There is no abuse! No we were not perfect but there always was love. We have two children….. our son was murdered and our daughter who has had a life time of emotional and physical issues, has suffered the consequence of malpractice when her psychiatrist crossed boundaries and fell in love with her and several failed neck surgeries when the first surgery never should have been performed and has caused her living with chronic pain. Where am I going with this? Our daughter has walked out of our life with no contact….. we are painfully estranged from her. Our hearts are broken.

  • MattyNme

    My husband and I love our children all heart and soul. There is no abuse! We were not perfect but there always was love. We have two children….. our son was murdered and our daughter who has had a life time of emotional and physical issues, has suffered the consequence of malpractice when her psychiatrist crossed boundaries and fell in love with her and several failed neck surgeries when the first surgery never should have been performed and has caused her living with chronic pain. Where am I going with this? Our daughter has walked out of our life with no contact….. we are painfully estranged from her. Our hearts are broken.

    • Lelabelle

      Sending you love and thank you for sharing your story 🙂

    • Hugs, love and prayers.

  • Terri Moreno Gelbaum

    The pain of separation is unbearable. There is nothing my husband and I have done that isn’t forgivable. Let alone abusive. I am being tortured by not knowing why she hates me so much. I was in line at the grocery store and this woman was talking about her daughters up coming wedding. I lost it and had to find a corner to hide in to cry my heart out. Without Eric and Elisa’s help I think I’d go insane from the pain.

    • 403LEC

      All this time I thought it was just me. Honestly I am in shock to know that this is happening to many people. At least I don’t feel so alone with this issue of estranged adult children.