Please Help

Here I sit in a Kroger parking lot typing this on my phone hoping my CE peeps can help me. Erik put a bullet through his brain at 1:20 P.M. almost three years ago on October 6th. Around that time, I can’t be in my house, because I imagine him sitting in that chair with that 45 caliber Rossi pointed at his  right temple feeling such a sense of hopelessness then pulling that trigger. I remember that call from Maria, her scream when she opened his door, the frantic drive home. I recall so vividly racing for the front door only to find it locked. Banging and screaming over and over until Maria finally opened it, climbing up those stairs  with a mix of fear and determination. Finding him. Oh god, finding him. Burying my head in his lap not daring to look up again at his head. I could hardly recognize him as my son. Then I put my head against his chest and heard nothing. Just a horrible silence that could only mean indisputable finality. I remember the detective guiding me downstairs with such compassion. The crime scene tape. The officers with blue gloves and cameras. The crime scene clean up crew. The sound of them ripping up his carpet. Watching them take his bloody chair downstairs for disposal. Calls for cornea donation. I remember too much. So, please help me. How do can I stand to be in that house this time of day?  As I sob in my car here in this parking lot, people are beginning to stare.

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Elisa Medhus

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  • Adriane Bischoping

    Maybe you don’t. It’s coming up on the one year anniversary for me and I just booked a trip for my son and I to Disney World. I want to continue living and while I don’t know if I’d even be able to function here, how can I not do anything but put one foot in front of the other in Disney? Hopefully the happiest place on earth has a little magic to help us through. Perhaps a little avoidance is what helps us get stronger sometimes.

  • Elisa, Elisa, I am sending you angels, I am wishing you to stop thinking about this, I am wishing you to be comforted soon somehow. I know that you would rather have him sitting next to you more than anything, I wish I would not be writing this, for it would mean, he did not commit that on that fatal day. Please, Elisa, know that he is sitting right next to you right now, even if you are in pain and cannot feel it. He feels your pain, I am sure about this. He had to do this, he just did. I wish you to get over this unspeakably devastating feeling as soon as it is possible. Hugs, Lilla

    • Dear Elisa, I am hurting along with you. Sending you love and hugs. Loving you always, Sherry

  • Tiggy

    omg, Elisa, so harsh, so unending, it bludgeons the heart.
    We are all here for you, hurting with you, praying for you.
    Was just remembering my sister’s suicide this AM and trying to make sense of it.
    One’s own child?

  • Ash

    Just breathe…let it out…Erik is with you, now. Always.

  • Stanley

    I am so very sorry Elisa. I can relate. This last July 7th was my date. The day the last of my 3 friends that I felt was the family I should have had died. I just wished I could flip a switch and skip over that day. Each minute that day felt like years. I was upset the week prior. I remember there being a few nights leading up to the 7th that I laid in bed crying begging my angles to let me die so I could be back with Sandra, Pam and DJ. But this is about you right now. What I would suggest, is see if you can stay at a friends house, or rent a motel room the day before, the day of, and the day after Erik’s passing. Staying at a friends house would be better so there would be people to talk to. That way you are not in your house during those days. But the thing you can’t avoid is the memories. I have several I wish I could forget myself. Today included. My back where the spinal injury happened has been hurting since I got up today, and each stab of pain has been replaying flashbacks of the incident in the hospital when it happened. Many here have PTSD. And many here have lost a child as well. That I can not imagine the pain of. The thing is, your not alone. And I wanted to say, if you need a ear anytime, you have my number. Or e-mail is you prefer. That goes for anyone here too. If you need a ear, mine is always open. I just wish I had the words to comfort and take away all the pain everyone here has. I truely do. **hug** I hope my words have taken at least some of the pain away Elisa. Even if it’s only a chip, as it would be one less you have to deal with. **hug**

  • Elisa, right now, in this moment, speak to Erik. Let him remind you of his infinite presence, and his love for you. Remember that all of our physical shells are but carriers of our eternal selves, and that you WILL see Erik again. Harness the support you have from all of us here, and revel in the knowledge that Erik has helped SO many of us after his transition – with YOU as the facilitator of it all. Feel Erik’s pleading for you to take your pain and grief, and transform it into the service you continue to give to others – for that is part of your life’s plan. Choose to identify with spirit, and realize that the physical illusion has but a temporal part in the grand scheme of eternity. Continue to walk in the light, as we continue to join hands with you…your new friends…those whom you have beckoned unto you by your own light. 🙂

  • Jane

    Elisa, Sometimes it helps just to know that you are loved and prayer for. Loved, because of how you, after such a devastating time, opened up your life to us so that many, including yourself, could receive healing through Erik’s passing. I know his passing was meant to be and you were meant to go an as an Earth Angel to so many. You are prayed for with much love.

  • Phoebe

    Elisa, I am sending you prayers and light. The brilliant light of God to fill up your soul and your car. I have been following your posts daily. The conversations and interviews have brought me so much comfort and spiritual growth. Yesterday during my massage I had a conversation with Erik. He guided me through some life decisions that I have been struggling with. What a an incredible help he is. Your work throught the website is so beautiful. I know that your plea for help today will be answered in so many ways.

  • Mommazee

    I’m so sorry Elisa, sending you much love and strength. Just remember, you planned this and so did he, it’s something only the bravest soul would choose to experience. And it takes a mighty strong human body to go through that and make it out alive and sane. Watch the feelings and emotions as they go through you that day, acknowledge them and give them space to get it all out, release it and let go of them…send them to the heavens and ask that they transform them into love and send it back. Think of all the things you are grateful for–the honor of being his mother, of being able to get through that rough experience, of being able to remember there is more after ‘life’, that you knew to contact him after death, and be grateful you have an open mind, that you still have such a strong connection to Erik and are still doing great things together that have such a great magnitude and affect so many other souls! Try not to dwell on the negative aspects of that day, but remember his life and the great memories, the happiness he brought to you

  • dollparts

    Oh Elisa. I am going to send you white light. If everyone here does, it will help a lot. <3 Take care angel.

  • Wanda

    Start tapping and rocking. This will soothe you.

  • Victoria

    Oh darling I feel so sorry. I know that is ALWAYS hard for you, specially at this time/date. But you have to remember that IS NOT how Erik is now: he is happier where he is than he probably was ever here. Remember always that…the hopelessness he might felt at that time is now behind for good. He felt sorry for the grief he caused to you all when he first crossed, and re-living the situation again (I know, I know, easier to say than done) is probably adding more pain to him, in top of yours. If neccesary, don`t spend any minute in there around this date. Is it possible to arrange a short vacation for you and the family? If so, please do it. It will help a lot. My sincere blessings to you and Erik.

  • With tears streaming down my face because I know this pain much too well, I’ll tell you what I do/did to deal with the horror of finding my son in my house. I thank God he did not use a gun, he hung himself. For the first week, I went into his room at 8:00pm, lit a candle and stayed until 8:30, the time I found him. I soon realized I was only torturing myself and made myself stop doing that.
    In his wisdom, my fiance talked me into selling my house and moving. It was the right decision for me. But the mind pictures are still there. When I go back to that night in my mind and feel myself getting upset, I strongly tell myself ‘NO’ and immediately replace that awful sight with another, pleasant memory. IT IS MIND CONTROL, plain and simple. Well, not simple but you know what I mean. It took a while, but with practice it worked for me.
    Last week, a physic friend of mine channeled Tim. He told me to stop thinking of him as “poor little Tim”, that desperate, troubled soul he was here on earth. He is now strong and happy and he told me to move on with my life. He insisted that I erase my mind of his troubles and think only of how happy he is now. That helped me more than anything else has.
    Oh dear Eliza, you’ve tortured youself enough. Give youself the gift of permission to put it aside and remember the good times. I say this with all the love and compassion my heart can muster.

  • Jan Drake Bakke

    Oh, the terror is still there and I know. My brother’s 1 year is Oct. 27. He did not commit suicide but suddenly died in 2 days. I did not see it. His son found him and he does not talk to me now. He is so mad a tme. I will send the memorial poem to him. We just had the memorial for him at my wedding in june of this year. Anyway, I still feel the terror and the hurt and the sadness everyday. I cry everyday still. You don’t have to go in there at that time of day Elisa. You don’t ever have to if you don’t want to. We still live in earth time and density so it is hard for us. And I am sure Erik knows this. He is right with you I am sure. He is around this blog. He created that pencil page when I opened up the Jesus files. I am sure he will be talking to you about it or at least sending something nice on that day. I am planning on doing something nice on that day my brother passed. For him and me and our family. The thing I am really feeling since all of this and reading these blogs and studying with my psychic group is that we are still here and they are there but we still connect. And we can try to live this existence to its fullest becasue we are going to be there with them so soon. And then we will feel all they are talking about. And we will not feel this physical or earth existence too much longer in this body and so those painful feelings that I have so much still are just a part of this time zone and soon to be gone. I will just go ahead and feel them. Becasue they won’t be there as much over there. I know that sounds so wierd or dumb. But I keep getting appreciate all of this becasue soon enough it will be over. That is for me. I am not saying for you. But, I know I am going to say once I get there I wish I would of not been so sad about it all as much as I am and do. It is normal for us to be though. And if you need to change that feeling or memory please do so that it does not carry on over and over like it has for me. When my Mom died she was bleeding all over and long story . I was in shock. I have had to put that one scene in another file. I can look at tit when I want to but it does not come up alot becasue I put it away. I cannot handle to think of it or see it much. It is too painful and shocking. So I have the memories of the good times and the big smiles and fun we had. That other is safe and put away with a very loving key with a dove engraved on it. And it is only for certain times. The wonderous moments when Erik came to all of you in the dreams right away is so fantastic and exhilerating. He was out of pain and so excited. Wow!!And you all got to see him except you Elisa at first. But what a gift that was!! He was free!!Wow!! And now he is making us all crack up with his wit and his wisdom too. And he is coming around to visit us too. And give all these amazing messages to people. This is too long. But, I hear that when we pass over we are greeted and they give us alot of energy and love. He is getting alot of that I am sure and has and also from us over here too. He has it on both sides. Wow!! He is jammin Elisa!!I wish you a lovely weekend!!Hugs!!And everyday now will be very sacred since it is so close to the day. He is here with you!!xoxoxoxo

  • M & M

    Oh Elisa, my heart goes out to you. After my brother died unexpectedly when I was a teenager (on 4th of July of all days), my family started to go to Hawaii for the holidays as that was the hardest time for us. We had to get away and into a totally different environment for a few years of holidays, until the unbearable rawness went away allowing us to manage the pain. I hope you can find a way to do something different this time of year, something you have always wanted to do, or even just a road trip- as long as it is something different. Make it a priority, because you are a priority. The strength of your love for Erik shows you are full of light. You have done so much good with such a tragic and difficult situation. You deserve to find peace, or as close to it as you can get. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  • Sam O.

    Have you considered looking up ThetaHealing and EMDR and finding a practitioner to help release the trauma of that day?

  • Thank you Jan. I will be praying for you on October 27th. I know that will be hard too. XOXO

    • Jan Drake Bakke

      Thank you!! Yes, it will be. I know for sure. I am here to support you and every day especially this hard week. Many prayers to you too!!!xoxoxo

  • angela

    much love to you xx

  • For some reason when I feel sad about Erik I find that I am rubbing my left index finger and thumb together. I wonder what that is.

    • Wanda

      This works really fast. God bless you Elisa, I pray you get through these days peacefully.

      These are brief snapshots of three therapeutic methods — the rewind technique, eye movement desensitisation reprocessing (EMDR) [1] and emotional freedom therapy (EFT, colloquially known as ‘tapping’) [2] — for which claims of success bordering on the miraculous have been made, in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For all have demonstrated numerous genuine successes.

  • God I hope so.

    • Simon

      This makes me want to cry 🙁

  • Maggie Purky

    Elisa, my heart goes out to you~ I am praying that the memories above will be replaced by all the beautiful memories of Erik..memories of when he was with you….and now, as you share his wonderful and wise spirit with all of us. I pray the light of Erik (human and spirit) in your heart will overshadow the darkness of how he exited this dimension You are a remarkable woman..I love you…sweet dreams~ <3

  • I hope so but I still miss him so much. I want him back.

  • Yvonne Chireau

    We love you hun. When you hurt, we hurt too. I am told that the act of suffering is the holding on to pain. I hope you can let the pain go.

  • Sending you remote Reiki and love, Elisa. This too shall pass, and know you are surrounded by so many that love you.

  • EPeavey

    Elisa I wish I could take all your pain away, bring Erik back wrapped in your arms. Instead, all I can send is love. You are loved beyond words by so many, including and especially by Erik! Peace and love during this time!! XO!

  • Dear Elisa,
    Oh, poor you…..I guess my aunt Karen was wrong, it’s just not the day leading up to “the day of the passing” but it can be also the passing itself.
    From a spiritual point, I think you can look into yourself and also ask Jamie why your soul must go through this grief. This trauma. Do you need to work through a traumatic experience to learn for your own life path?
    This is from George Anderson’s page: “No matter what we are told, no matter what we come to understand, the loss of a loved one is a loss to us. But are we looking carefully enough at the concept of loss, or are we so grounded on the earth that we can’t see from another perspective that what we know may not be all we understand?
    I’ve been trained over the years, mostly by the souls, to look at the world from my vantage point, but also the vantage point of the souls. Where we see loss, the souls see gain–they have gone to a beautiful world, and gained reward for having struggled on the earth. They took that trip through the atmosphere just as the astronauts took their trip to a whole new level of understanding. For the souls, their perspective about everything on the earth has changed–mainly because they can see it from a better perspective–they are there. They see the earth now much the same as we see images of the earth from space–remote, undaunting, serene, beautiful, and small. They see their new world as vast, open, filled with possibilities, unending, yet still linked to the world, the people, and the lives they knew.
    Even with everything we know, with everything we’ve been taught about the world hereafter and the souls–about their journey through this lifetime and their exit to a world of joy–we can only still see their passing as something terrible. It happens because perceptions are hard to change, and old ways of thinking are hard to break.”
    So how do we change our perception of our lives and losses on the earth, and try to see from the perspective the souls see? It begins with seeing ourselves as “souls in training.”

    He goes on and on. I am reading a book by him now and he has a section in it on grief.

    From a calming perspective, I think if you have anything in the way of medication , now would be a good time to take it. Tranquilizers. Make sure you can drive. It may be good to squash these fears and this trauma.

    I also don’t think you should go home. Do you have too?
    Maybe you can just book yourself into the nearest, nicest hotel. Call up hubby, tell him the situation and your room number. And just breathe and relax. Who says you have to go home if it’s affecting you? It may be like this for many more years…. Plan to be away. I am doing that next month for the first year anniversary of mom going home suddenly.

    We all care for you Elisa. You know that. This is a hard day. But it’s all just us spirits, in our fleshy bodies going to school and learning the hard lessons. This day will be over and tomorrow will be October 7.

    • Nancy Antia

      Thank you for your post, April. It helps me with my own loss, the loss of my only child, my beloved son Santi.

  • Ninierd

    My heart breaks for you. Pleases know that you are loved dearly by this community. I am sending you white light and love.

  • I don’t believe that there is any comparible grief to that of a mother’s. Be good to yourself right now. You know full well he wants your happiness above all. Maybe you and your daughter could spend some time together remembering the fun times instead of the very worst time. I don’t begin to know the pain you feel. I pray I never ever will. God speed your healing. Much love!

    • My kids and I usually share the good times all other times of the year, but for me reason, this is the time I curl up and hide. I can’t think about the good times because I know they will never happen again. And reaching out to them will only fuel their pain. That’s why I’m so grateful for you and the rest of the CE family. I wish I could be stronger to help those who have lost loved ones around the same time of the year, but I hope they know that they have my heart and my love.

      • I know, Elisa…I do know…and I feel the same for you as you sit there in tears. My heart breaks for you as it broke for Drew. Let the tears come, let the grief flow thru you and out. It will be back, but for now, let the tears fall, and know how much Erik loves and treasures you, as do we all. Call me if you want..I am always here for you..always. hugs, my dear one.

  • michelle06

    Elisa my heart aches for you. I wish that I had the words that would take away the pain in your heart. I know that pain all to well. Today I went by the church for the first time since Travis’ funeral and lit a candle there. I light one for him every night at home. I will light one tonight for you and Erik. In my darkest hours I searched for answers and found your blog, It wasn’t a coincidence there are no coincidences. Love you Elisa.

    • Oh Michelle, thank you so much. I’ll hold Travis in my heart today and wrap him in my love. I also helps me to give my love.

  • Hugs back, Elisa. How is the doctoring business? Hope things are not as stressful as they once were. Love you.

  • Linda2749

    Elisa, its time for you to call Jamie and have a heart to heart with your Son let him ease your pain and discomfort as this day approaches. Rejoice in the fact that you have not lost him he is waiting for you with open arms when your work is done.
    Sending healing white light to you.

  • Mike Hulse

    Elisa, read my Facebook posts in reply to you. xxx

  • Denise

    I cannot even begin to comment. I cannot imagine.Love you.

    • Amber

      Ditto Denise, Elisa.

  • HSB

    Oh, hun, I wish I were able to give you a big hug right now. I am sending lots of love and light your way. Let yourself grieve in the way you need to and just feel those emotions, even though they’re incredibly painful. I hope you can reach out to your family for support and your CE family are always here for you.
    Much love to you and to the other CE family members who have lost loved ones. You are always in my thoughts.

  • Hi Elisa. Do you have any of Erik’s clothes? Ones with his smell on them? Smell is such a strong sense, as Proust knows, and smells can really bring a loved one back in a true physical sense. I know it isn’t like having the person there to hug, but if you wrap one of Erik’s shirts around a pillow, say, you could hug that.

    Does this sound too weird? Sorry. I have some of my mother’s clothes with her scent on them and when I’m missing her, I’ll take a whiff of “her” and I’m immediately filled with good memories.

    Hope this helps.

    PS: I wish I could talk to my parents the way you’re able to talk to Erik. That’s a gift.

  • shegill

    Oh sweet girl, I am so sorry for your pain. I know you do everything possible to maintain your strong forward motion, to stay busy, to help others. And you accomplish amazing things with your determination. But you are grieving and no amount of “busy” can circumvent that process. But it is heartbreaking to go through and for us to watch you experience it. When my son died, suddenly in his sleep at age 2, the last thing I wanted to do was think of moving. Our house was, after all, the only one Peter had ever lived him, everything in it was connected to him. In time, that became too painful for me. At about the 10 months mark, I started pushing to move and we did about a month after the anniversary. I don’t have any idea if this would be possible for you to consider, but it has been a great relief for me. I still relive the discovery of his body every day in the mental movie I play, but I don’t have to walk into that room anymore and I am relived not to. Think about it. We took a loss on the house and I didn’t care (and we are far from wealthy). I think what I want to say is that while it is a lifesaving consolation to know our children are living in spirit, connected to us still, loving us still, they are not with us in the physical sense. Sometimes they have died violently and that is a part of the trauma of loving them. Either way, we are still in the body, this narrative of our lives is the one we are currently in and they feel pretty real to most of us, even as we may intellectually know they are a classroom for our real lives in spirit. And our children are gone and it fucking sucks and hurts and some days we can get though the pain fairly well and some days we cannot. I love you, Elisa. I hope you can get away from the house for a few days as the anniversary approaches. There is NO reason to be stoical about it. Try to be as kind to yourself right now as you routinely are to your children and other loved ones. Please continue to reach out to us because we are 100% here for you. Sending love to you.

  • L.A. George

    You should not be alone on the anniversary. Please make it a point to have family/friends around. No matter how much we cry with you and love you from a distance, a shoulder and healing hugs/hands are far more theraputic.
    Will it ever go away?
    Maybe not.
    Will it ever be not so painful.
    I believe your blog has saved other parents from the same grief.

  • PollyMax2010

    Lots of hugs and love for you today Elisa xoxoxoxo

  • Sharneshaan

    Dear Elisa, sending you some much love and healing today! You can have my Angels today for support! You will get through this and be the amazing, compassionate, funny, sensitive woman we all know and love! If it wasn’t for you and Erik and Jamie the world would be a sadder place! Love and light Sharne

  • debbie weiner

    Elisa, I am so sorry for your pain, of course there is nothing that any of us can do to take it from you. But I want you to know that this year I put my son Adam on Sheri Perl’s website, and when his date of 9/11 came, I felt such love and support from the prayers of all of the other parents who had lost their children praying for Adam and our family and sending us light on that day. I hope it also helps you get through Oct. 6th. Try also to imagine the joyful reunion that you and Erik will have someday when it is your turn to pass over – it will be pure love and happiness and joy!
    I will be thinking of you and sending you my prayers and light,

  • Donna Block

    Hello Dear Elisa,
    The last couple of days I’ve been thinking about you for this very reason. I knew the day was coming and for brief moments I would dare to try and imagine that same thing happening to me/my child and then I’d think harder about you. I know even though you are doing amazing things with your blog and book, etc you still feel this pain every single day. And you carry on as a mother, wife, grandmother, friend, doctor, sister and much more. I am so very sorry for your pain. You have made such a difference in our lives and we all love you. None of that erases your pain. I thank you for your openness and honesty and willingness to help others in so many ways. Prayers for you and your family. You mean so much to me and so many others. Donna

  • Tigg

    Oh how I wish I were with you now and hold you in my arms. I wish I had magic words to say that would take away or at least ease your pain. I will cry with you hoping that some sort of understanding or answers come through.
    I know you can communicate with Erik and that is wonderful but it doesn’t take the place of holding him in your arms. But you do know that you will be with him one day it may seem like a long way off but one day you will be together. So for now we have to learn to live and get on with our days without our loved ones in the physical, but he’s there with you now as you shed tears for him. He’s holding you and wanting to take away your pain.
    Talk to God talk to Erik I’m sure they both will help you get through the next week and especially the 6th. I’m thinking and sending you loving energy your way along with a huge Canadian hug <<>> . He’s close by, he’s always with you he loves you and his love doesn’t stop because he’s on the other side. xo

  • I’m not sure what to say Elisa. The pain you feel must be so intense, those memories playing over and over again in your mind like a broken record. If I could come remove all this from you I would do it without a second thought. I’m so sooo sorry for what you had to go through, and for what you are going through right now. Just know that Erik is no longer suffering, and that one day, this pain will be removed from you as well and you will be reunited with him, in peace and bliss. These painful human emotions will be gone. Until then, talk to Erik. Tell him every single detail of every single thing that is on your mind, and remind yourself that you cannot hurt his feelings where he is, because he has full undertsanding. Talk with Erik through Jamie. Allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to feel, and allow yourself to go through this process, reminding yourself that as painful as it is, it will help your spiritual growth. Allow yourself to receive love, and give a lot of it. Spread it in Erik’s name, because Erik clearly has a lot of love he wanted others to have. You feel hard right now, because you love hard Elisa, and that can make dealing with emotions so painful sometimes. Erik loves you so so much, and he is with you every single day, reminding you of that fact. Please, call Jamie, have a well needed conversation with Erik, and allow yourslef to continue healing…Much Love to you Honey.

  • Maria Laing

    Just getting to this…12:40 AM….crying with you, Elisa….my heart breaks with you….we are human mothers, with memories, living our humanity with broken hearts. In this dark hour, with the most painful memories, individual to each of us, we are somehow united by life and death…and longing…wanting our sons back…. I hear your deep sorrow….I send you love and compassion…..

  • cc

    Erik my dear friend

    Why did you have to to go that way:(…those images are so horrible for your mum.I want to say Elisa please listen to Christopher Felton.His words are always so descsriptive and enlightening.Although your pain is raw again as Eriks death anniversary approaches,remember that You are a beacon of light to many suffering mothers around the world.We have already had many sessions with JAMIE and so you know so much more than any mother that has lost a loved one at this second.Dont give up now, that you help carry many grieving mothers to recovery.Erik’s physical body is not here but he is here and many of our loved ones.I remember a friend of ours,he had to identify his sons body by his leg because thats all that remained in a car accident.Whether our loved ones die of suicide,murder,accident the pain of losing our loved ones is so raw and all the same.I can say the same with the breakup of a relationship or divorce.Although people dont think its alike,I believe all pain is equal.In the moment of pain,you can have feelings of not been able to go on,thoughts of wanting to die too,loneliness on a time loop.Time does heal.Now that Im no longer in that time of pain,that person no longer by my side,I chose to forget about it and thank god for the experiences that make me a strong person today.Its not that I dont think about the days I was in pain but if I kept living in my pain I would not have come so far to be successful at so many other things in my life from that period of pain.Thinking too much of the pain will prevent you from living the rest of your life,so much more happiness awaits you if you open your heart to receive.Remember that the CE family cares for you deeply.If it means that we have to shut down this website in order for you to become better then we will have to do it.We dont want the CE website to be a place where we open up your wounds.I think Erik would want you to forget about him a while in the mind so that you can heal.You are a great mum and although your children are there for you,they need their mum too.Dont forget you didn’t stop being a mum and a wife and a friend to all the people that are here with you that LOVE YOU..Take care Elisa…We need to be hard on you,because it will awaken your strength that we know you have deep inside of you.Sending you healing LOVE AND LIGHT during your difficult

  • Ceridwen777

    Dearest Elisa, I know Erik is always with you, holding you and trying to comfort you and make you laugh sometimes – you’ve had ample proof of that – we all have! Sending you love and Reiki hugs and strength and endurance as you go through this rough patch…anniversaries are not only a time to remember the event, but also to celebrate his life and his love for you and your family and the CE family – which you and he created together! We will always be grateful for what you two have done for us, and we are all here for you. Pick up the phone any time you need and I am here for you to talk to anytime…love you!

  • Remember beloved, you need to go beyond the thoughts of any
    physical view you saw with your eyes.
    You of all know that we are not our bodies and that it is purely a
    holding form for our spirit/soul/essence.
    You are a Doctor, you know all about seeing blood. Our attachment to the physical form of any
    loved one is what creates a shock when that physical form is gone or
    injured. Erik and his Committee are
    reminding us to let go of your emotional attachment to form, any form and dance
    with the real living spirit of that soul.
    That is where are true relationship lies and continues which is why we
    came together to begin with. To remember
    we are spiritual energy. The fear of
    seeing your own physical immortality mirrored by your son is holding you
    back. This is not a horror flick but a
    wake-up call to be honored to serve its purpose. Let go of the vision without judgment of good
    or bad, happy or sad of any degree. Let
    it go and smile knowing you are more than that emotion; you are spirit like
    Erik and go through the tunnel once and for all without stopping. It is
    only a thought of the so called past which has not power of you unless you
    choose it to. Know that I speak from
    experience on many counts and this can be done, now. So be it.
    Breathe deep and dissolve any unhappy thoughts now in peace and replace
    them with joyful thoughts of gratitude for the now. Let go of your human detachment to yourself
    and others. It no longer serves you.

  • karyn

    Dear Elisa, You are far stronger than you know. For all that you have done, for all those strangers you have helped out there and for your being able to connect with your son and maintain that connection…is absolutely stunning. These are testaments to your strength and resiliency!

    Look how many families come to you for support and ask you to contact their loved one! They can’t do it on their own. They need your help. They also need Eric. I do believe Eric has found his calling! He sounds like he’s happy and having a good time. That’s a positive thing. But, he also needs you in his life in order to do this. Without you starting this website, there would be no Channeling Eric. What you’re doing is huge! Never let yourself doubt for a single second just how important you are to so many and their own healing. They won’t forget how you both were able to give them peace and the answers to oftentimes, very painful questions.

    As to how you can deal with being in the same home where it all began? I would say to not be so hard on yourself. It will take time. Maybe more time than you’ve given yourself. Remember, there is no time limit on grief or missing someone. And, you do miss him. You miss his physical presence. You miss hugging him, kissing him…even smacking him on the back of the head when he’s needed it (like I do my kids when they are going crazy!)

    You are dealing with your loss and pain as only you know how to do. Don’t beat yourself up if you cry all day. Maybe you should? It sucks to cry your heart out, I know. It’s painful. But, it’s also cathartic. I think you’ll know what to do when the time arrives.

    In the meantime, know you are loved by many. We all care for you and Eric and will be sending prayers and light to you in your time of sorrow. Love, Karyn

  • JoAnn

    i know i can not write anything to take your pain away,,,,,it was 30 yrs ago in April that marked the loss of my first born,,,,and never has one of those years ever past without the emotion filled days that surround that time of year,,,i have other times through the year where it marks the anniversary to deaths i have had in my family,,,but in April it is all about my son. some of those years have been agony but just as many have been bearable,,,,but never does it pass without tears,,,,,,there are many different things i have done during these days,,,,,some years talking to people about it helped and other years i would stay alone and read and re-read the autopsy report,,,,which i had to hand write off of the original document on the first anniversary of his death.,,,,with all Erik has taught us,,,know that he suffers through this time also,,,and i can see in my mind that he is with you trying to comfort and support you through this time,,,,i am sure also that he is still attached to your pain and worries now about you and your health,,,,,i know also this pain is planted deep. I am by know means an authority on grief,,,and usually as peeps have always said ,,,i have a strange view about things,,,and i guess this topic is no different,,,,there are many ways you can try to alleviate your pain, plan vacations at this time,,,,go away somehow from the home,,,go to a counselor,Jamie, and many more ways ,,,but in my opinion,,,,any of those actions will NOT take your pain away Elisa,,,,these days and the time of day,,,belong to YOU,,,,is it wrong to be devastated on these days,,,is it wrong to take days off work to be able to process and deal with this pain,,,,is it wrong to scream ,be angry,be sad,be heart broken and feel wronged?,,,,,,all these feelings are real and even though they hurt ,,,denying them is impossible,,,,do all the lessons we have learned tell us we should not feel this heartache?,,,No ,,,,even on the years i have had easier times,,,with less devastation,,i still cry,,even if i have smiled or laughed that day ,even when i have good thoughts about my life ,,and get support from family ,,,i still cry,,,,,and so shall you,,,always and forever,,,,,how could you not,,,,the most important thing for you to do through these days ,,,is be safe,,,take care of yourself and feel what is in you to feel. If there is any pain worth taking with us when we cross,,,it is This pain,,and these memories. Nothing in this life could ever hurt more and i accept that when i cross,,,this will be on the top of my list to get answers to,,,to review and deal with. until then know that you have our Love and support. You are thought about daily and cared for tremendously,,,,,,keep strong ,,,hold your head high,,,and know that you are a champion each day you live,,,,, LoveToAll!!

  • Tracy Lamont

    Oh my dear, dear friend. Once again my heart breaks for you. Those images will never leave your mind, I know that, but i also know that Erik was sitting beside you in that car park, holding his mama until you felt the strength of his love filtering through.

    Coming up to that anniversary is always going to be the hardest time of year for you, Elisa. Birthdays and Christmas are days to celebrate them, but THAT day – i know – is the hardest one to get through.

    We are all here for you and we will get you through this, as you have done for all of us with your kindness compassion and your heart of gold.

    You are very much loved and cared for, Elisa and I hope you feel it.

    Much love and ((((HUGS)))))

  • Marian

    Elisa: I am so very sorry that you endure this remembrance and this pain; I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, and my heart hurts for you and for your family and for Erik — it’s so obvious HE LOVES YOU SO — and this must hurt him because it hurts you. Please know that you are not alone — your CE Family is with you — and we send you ALL LOVE AND STRENGTH AND PEACE in knowing that he is still with you — and will ALWAYS be with you — and I hope that you can one day see and hear him yourself! Wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL!!! You are loved so very much!!!

  • MikeT76

    I know this is definitely a hard time of year for you, Elisa. I really hope you feel better and find some peace. We all know Erik is safe and happy where he is, but I know that doesn’t always make it easy, especially since you’re still living in the same house where he died. Do you think it’s maybe time to sell the house and move? Living in that house must be a constant reminder of his physical passing. Maybe a new house will give you a fresh start.

  • My thoughts and prayers are with you Elisa, I am sending you love and light and big strong hugs.

  • Rev. Spyder

    Hey, Elisa,

    There’s not really anything I can say to help, and I rarely post. But let me just represent for a moment all those who don’t know what to say and who won’t post but whose thoughts are with you nevertheless. Sending you loving energy and just know that you are held in the loving thoughts of many from whom you will never hear.


  • Big Sis

    Oh, Elisa, I feel into your pain and send you so much love. What do you need for yourself, right now? Yes, this blog helps many people. It can wait. What do you need for YOU?

  • Mya

    Remember that he is not gone.. not really just in another dimension. There is no such thing as death.. only transition. His transition was traumatic, indeed, but just keep telling yourself. He is still here. There is no death. Really you know this. I’m new to this blog. I just started reading this blog the other day and Erik already popped up in a reading as one of my guides. He is certainly still here. I was so shocked. The facilitator said.. do you know Erik. Please please please know that he loves you so much. He sticks around because of you. He is helping everyone partly because of you I’m sure. Thank you for sharing him with us. He’s such a light in the world.

  • Kerrie Aus

    Hi Elisa, I heard you were in hospital. I hope you are O.K I am thinking of you at this hard,hard time. Just remember you have received so much from Erik.He is not dead.He is eternal. The images you have in your head are just a figment of this reality. Remember the good times.Erik is, has been and will always be.I am sending you healing,love and light.It is 5 years for me. We will miss our physical sons forever but remember they haven’t really gone. They are closer than we think,lots of love to you xxx

  • Lisa

    Dear Elisa
    I Hear the sacredness of your distress,
    And See the heart of your sorrow.
    The Spaciousness in my Heart,
    is open, Always, for you to borrow…
    as you navigate your Transformation-
    Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow.
    Love Lisa

  • Wow, those are tough memories Elisa, all those details you endured and still remember so well from that day. It is so easy to beat yourself over it, blame yourself, and dwell in the past, not least of all because that moment in time is stamped with such vividness and pain. How to avoid reminiscing on all those negative details? The best thing I can offer is to try to replace them with all the great loving things you remember about him and cherish. After all, there were 20 of those same days you experienced with him, correct? Remember that when you think of him with love you are sending him the best energy, and likewise you are benefit yourself with that same quality of thought and emotion.

    I discovered that a friend committed suicide only recently. Like Erik, she suffered from depression and social isolation. She was a young, talented and beautiful person, and I found it easy to think about the why’s and what if’s. And, sadly, my sister in law has also experienced not one but three suicides in her direct family. It was a chain of events related to depression and alcoholism mixed with abuse. Her sister, who was very close, was the third to end her life only one year ago the very same way as her two parents, by gunshot.

    What i have discovered from listening in to the departed is that they are a) always in a happier place and b) are always coming forth with great love and affection for loved ones. The best way we can honor them is to accept that love and try to return it, so as not to weigh either down. It’s tough but try to remember the bigger picture and your great journey ahead. Life will always remain fleeting mystery.

  • NancyM1122

    Elisa, I pray for you my dear. My twin brother was a tortured soul and it caused me such grief because I could feel his pain. At times it was overwhelming. When he passed away I felt that he was in peace. Why? because I have had a white light experience and I know the amazing love and peace that is over on the other side.
    Please, try not to remember the details. Know he is in peace and doing a great job.

  • Sai Baba is coming back
    “Sai: I will return to earth after the change is made to be able to sustain the people’s needs and desires.”

  • Judi Harris

    First off, you NEED to DO what you NEED to do for YOU, Elisa. If you can’t be in the house at the time he killed himself, then don’t be. You don’t have to be. You have to take this grief on your own level and time. Yes, it’ll be 3 years tomorrow. I know you remember EVERTHING that happened after Erik was found. My oldest brother, Roger, was killed back in 1971 – I was 16 years old at the time. I still, after all this time, can’t believe he’s gone and the circumstances surrounding his death still haunt me. Unlike Erik’s death – I don’t have closure. The person who caused the car accident sped away and got away with it. Most of the time, for me, “Roger is still out there.” Closure can be haunting also. KNOW, my dear friend, that I am here with you and I will be thinking of you and praying for you tomorrow.

  • Baz

    Elisa, please bear in mind too that your work and Erik’s work today is saving people from meeting the same tragic end. You are all together working towards enlightening us, making us stronger, allowing us to see reality through different eyes, throught spiritual eyes, and that is what the world needs more than anything right now. Your work and your words and Erik’s words and insight do so much, more than you can imagine, to prevent further unnecessary deaths because what you as a group of caring individuals communicate through this amazing site is hope and strength and wisdom and encouragement and reminding us why we are here, and that although life can get pretty hairy, we can get through it! We CAN and are MEANT to get through it. That’s what you are all demonstrating to us with humour and genuine deep insight. How many other souls who have ended their life early have been able to come back and bless us with their knowledge? What a blessing it is to have you facilitating this incredible communication from Erik in spirit for us all here. I share your pain, I feel it. There is no escape from that other than living from moment to moment, just breathing, carrying on. Time heals but thats just an abstract concept for you and anyone else who has suffered the same as yourself. Time becomes an irrelevant concept then. But just know, whether this was your shared life plan or not, that the utmost good has come from this deeply tragic and unfair loss inasmuch as you and your team (Team Erik) are touching so many souls who, were it not for this information you are extending out into the world, would have found their early premeditated demise before they had a chance to wake up to what this life is all about. You are changing and shaping lives for the better. That is just one positive outcome, of which there are plenty more than just that. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling now. My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family and his friends, and I thank you for having the strength to get up every morning and deliver the life enriching goods to us all which are channelled from that great soul we know as Erik.

  • Judi Harris

    Hello Elisa. I have been thinking about you alot today and telling Erik that he must be with you today to help ease your pain. I was awakened at 6 am this morning by something jumping on my stomach – almost like a cat. It was pretty pronounced and of course it woke me up. I was alone in my room, door shut and all, – no cats, etc. I immediately thought of Erik and you. I’ve sent prayers your way today and I hope the day went better than you thought it would. I know about dreading the day when someone who was near and dear to you died. It’s been 15 years since I walked in my mom’s room and found her dead . . . I still dread September 17th. The week leading up to it is NOT my best emotional time and sometimes it’s the week before the anniversary of mom’s death that I relive it all. Thanks God it’s mostly on a Saturday cause I do alot of crying that day. Like you wanting Erik back, I want my mom back. As you know I took care of her 24/7 for the last few years of her life – I gave up my life to do that, and I do it all over again in a heartbeat. I know that’s not fair to her, but it’s just the way I feel. My husband took me to dinner tonight and our waitress was named Elisa. I immediately thought of you and again sent prayers your way. One thing you might think about is that Erik seems to be happier where he is NOW. I think he seems to have bloomed in Heaven; and because of that tragic day, we’ve all come to know and love him. He’s a bright inspiration to all of us that there IS life beyond death. He’s confirmed what I’ve felt all along – that the body dies, but not the spirit. When I drowned at a year and a half, I, through an out of the body experience, saw only a teeny, tiny bit of what Erik is now experiencing in his current existence. He’s confirmed what I felt I always knew. I’m so thankful for that and for some of the other things like thought transference. In the spirit world, that’s how words are communicated. When my brother was killed in a car accident in Montana in 1971, my told me later that “she KNEW” that my brother had died; he came to tell her goodbye. I thought that was weird – how could he do that?? He was dead in Montana. Years later I read somewhere in a book about the afterlife that spirits can “go where they want” – there are no limits. Erik’s description of being able to go where he wants anytime he wants – confirmed to me what my brother did. It all made sense. Erik has answered so many questions over the years and I’m so thankful and grateful for that. He’s doing us all a great service in sharing his experiences in the afterlife. Plus, I honestly feel he’s happier now in the afterlife than he ever was on earth. I know you’re still suffering terribly, Elisa. I’ve read some of the comments on this blog and I agree with the ones that say you should talk to Jamie and contact Erik and have him help you through this difficult time. He’s moved on – he still loves you and your family, but you have to be willing to move on too. I know it’s not easy – losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen to a parent. As my mom said “no parent should ever have to bury a child.” Mom didn’t get over my brother’s death. I know it’s only been 3 years for you – but you have a chance here, that most people don’t have. You’ve got Jamie and Erik. Do you think Erik would have tried to contact you in the beginning if he didn’t want to continue being in your life??? The answer is no. If he was completely done with things on earth – he would not have contacted you or anyone in your family at all. He loved you in life – he loves you in death. He’s not going to let his death stop him. He honestly feels like his death was just the beginning of his life – even tho’ it’s the afterlife. HE WANTS YOU TO MOVE FORWARD TOO. You need to be OPEN about it – this door is open to you – dont’ close it. Take this chance. Love you.

  • Hey Judi. You’re absolutely right–everything you say here. I’m fine now. That scary medical emergency sort of got my mind off of those troublesome anniversaries, and I will continue to move on, but without forgetting. I’ll move on to the past wonderful memories and the memories you guys, Erik and me are making together. Love you, girl!

  • cristina

    Try the “one way ticket” Buddha was talking about, when such things happen 🙂 And to understand that suffering was not build for human body (we created it) even thou we ALL go thru same mess when we are hurt…. We learned “suffering” from our parents, our loved ones, …. but we don’t need it…

  • Ethan Matthews

    Elisa, sorry to bring this up but in this post you say that the weapon that killed Erik was a 45 caliber Rossi. But that is a rifle and so would have been very difficult for him to aim at his head. I had always assumed it was a pistol that killed Erik.

    • No it was definitely a Rossi revolver. No doubt. You can google it.

  • Maybe it was a 38. Whatever, it was big enough to do the job. I wish you wouldn’t quibble over these details. They’re hurtful.

    • Ethan Matthews

      I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

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