In order to fully grasp and get the most out of our human experience, it’s essential to understand the anatomy of our struggles and of suffering in general. Throughout this book, Erik has helped me understand what I struggle with the most, why I do and what it takes to overcome it. I also came to understand the root of struggle. To prevail over our human problems, the best tactic is to cut off the head of the beast.
Most of us suffer at the hands of our struggles. Is that necessary? Can we benefit from that suffering? Is there a solution for ending human pain? Answers to these questions are perhaps the most powerful ones in this book and are applicable to all. Once we put what Erik says into practice, the human experience becomes something to embrace and cherish, something that enriches rather than shatters our lives.
Me: So, what do you think is the most basic struggle people endure, the one from which all struggles stem?
Erik (eagerly): All right. All right! I think it’s the fear of knowing yourself. When I say “knowing,” I don’t mean it as a logical term, you know, heady, thoughts. I mean knowing your emotional state, your physical state and your spiritual state. I mean that as a wholeness word, knowing yourself as a whole. W-H.
Me (in mock sarcasm): Thanks for spelling it, Erik.
Erik: The ego has a hard time letting go of control. In general, when you try to control something, that doesn’t leave you any room to know yourself. You’re focused on knowing whatever it is you’re controlling, and those are the things that are external to you or things that are inside of you that you can’t accept. How can you know what you can’t accept? When the ego tries to control something that’s pretty much shitty for its life, it doesn’t see what it really needs to connect to, which is love and every facet of it like forgiveness, respect, loyalty, friendship and intimacy. The ego is so overcome with the fear that it’ll lose control that if something is showing up in its life and it can’t love it or accept it, then it’ll try fight it, (in a surfer dude voice) control it. Why can’t everybody see that if it crosses your path, whatever it is—person, disease, money, love—that it’s in your path because you can actually handle it. Somewhere in your energetic self or your soul, you called out for it. It pisses me off when people think they have no responsibility for their life and that they’re just sitting around trying to manage whatever the fuck is happening to them.
Me: So to clarify, control is…
Erik: It’s a lack of ability to accept. Instead of accepting it, you try to fight it. We live in a world of absolutes, right Mom? Yes, no. Right, wrong, that kind of shit, and when we talk about the ego, we don’t fully want it, and we don’t want to dis it either. It absolutely gives to you, but if you invest too much energy into it, it sabotages you.
Me: So in what way does it add to the human experience?
Erik: The ego loves to have that narrow focus I mentioned. You need that narrow focus to stay put, to stay in the Now.
Me: I don’t understand. I thought staying in the Now is what you want and that the ego keeps you in the past or present.
Erik: Staying in the Now is the positive aspect of the ego, Mom.
Me: So how does it help you identify with the Now?
Erik: It narrows your perspective.
Me: Oh, so that you don’t focus on the past or the future?
Erik: Right. The ego is fed by what’s happening right now. “How are you looking at me right now?” “How are you treating me right now?” “How do I feel in this fucked up situation right now?”
Me: Oh, I see. You’re not talking about when the ego dwells on the past experiences like, “Oh, I was treated this way,” or “This horrible things is going to happen to me in the future. Poor little me.” “I’ll never have this. I’ll never be this. I’ll never do this.”
I’m still so confused.
Erik: Okay, wait, wait, wait. Can you look at it like ego is equivalent to emotion?
Me: Uh huh.
Erik: And when we look at emotions, it has a spectrum of fear to love. Ego is the same way. It has a variety of faces, and one of the biggest faces of the ego—like we would call love one of the biggest emotions—is its state in the present based on what is happening at the current moment, not the past or the future.
Me: But that ego that is in the present moment is shaped by past experiences and future expectations.
Erik: Yes, but I’m not talking about the faces of the ego that are stuck in the past or future. When we look at the larger concepts of reality, and we talk about the time-space continuum and blah, blah, blah, quantum mechanics, and shit like that, the important thing is the Now. All these past messages are like, “Live in the Now. Be present!”
Erik gives the image of a Christmas gift.
Erik: Well, one of the biggest faces of the ego is keeping us in the Now because that’s where it gets its biggest rewards. “How is that person looking at me right now? Am I at my best?” It gives us the identifying markers and measurements that help us stay in the Now. So we should embrace at least that face of it. I’m not saying the others are good or bad. We use each face in a certain equation, but it’s not just one equation in every moment. There are different equations in ego and emotion that you use in different situations to reach your best outcome. It would be nice if we used the emotion, love and the Now of the ego more than anything else because it allows people to have that spiritual awakening we talk about.
Me: So ego is not all fear-based. That’s just one of its many faces.
Erik: Correct.
Me: What do you think my most basic struggle is? In other words, what is my main struggle and how and will that serve me?
Erik: Peace is your main struggle, Mom.
Me: Mm.
Erik: It’s not really about balance for you. Some people might look at it that way, but that’s not true. You have achieved balance and joy in many parts of your life and in different times in your life. In the back of your heart and the pit of your belly, though, there’s not a true peace.
Me (solemnly): Yeah, I feel that.
Erik: Looking at peace being a goal of yours, if you get that, Mom, if you get that golden ring, all of these other “what ifs,” exhaustion, confusion and sadness will end up in a place where they’re completely accepted. Not that those things unimportant. Some people think, “Ah, when you reach peace, the worry that you gave power to is just totally unimportant.” I think that’s a little mean to say to people because those things were important! Those were the steppingstones to peace.
Erik smiles
Me (giggling softly): What are you smiling about?
(Pause)
Me: You have a very pretty smile, Erik!
Erik: I’m just thinking about my mom.
Me: Aww, you’re so sweet, Erik.
Erik: When you get to this point, you’ll no longer give away energy that you can keep for yourself.
Me: I do that a lot. I know.
Erik: And then you’ll be powered by everything you give away. You’ll get this healing and abundance, and you’ll become this endless fountain where you are able to give away, but it completely replenishes you.
Me: Are you talking about how I give away emotional resources?
Erik: That and in your actions. You bend over backwards doing shit for other people.
Me: How has that struggle to find peace served me? How has that choice to have that particular struggle served me or has it?
Erik: It’s kept you in the place of learning. It’s a little bit of the unknown. It’s not a fear, but what if you became all accepting and peaceful with what’s going on? Does that mean contentment would take over and you would stop striving, learning and moving forward? Your whole life has been centered around striving and learning and growing beyond things, so, all of a sudden, if there is nothing to grow beyond, who would you be? That’s the uncertainty you’ll overcome.
Me: Where would I be if I had not taken on that struggle to find peace?
Erik: Like your whole life?
Me: Mm hmm.
Erik (chuckling): You’d probably be bored!
Me (laughing): I probably would.
I know myself. I can’t sit still for very long.
Erik: You’d be married to some boring ass dude. No offense to the boring guys out there, but my mom likes challenge. And you would be, you know, hunkered down in some house and—
Me: I’d probably have a pretty shallow and stagnant existence.
Erik: Yep, and that is not the mom I know.
