It’s been over two years since Erik’s death, and although my grief is not one of constant despair, every day is still a struggle. I’m wondering if those of you who still mourn the loss of a loved one experience a particular phenomenon I call “grief mind chatter.” Let me explain.
Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is of Erik: how I don’t have him here to hug, how I miss his smile, how I simply cannot grasp the fact that he’s gone. Every night before I drift to sleep, my thoughts, interwoven with tears, travel the same painful path. What’s most difficult, however, is what occurs between sunrise and sunset. In my mind, there’s a constant undercurrent of similar thoughts of what will no longer be and an ongoing slideshow of visuals: Erik as a baby, Erik as a preschooler–Erik at every stage of growth–Erik being silly, kind, loving, mischievous, excited, and, yes, Erik tormented by that dark despondency that makes my heart break bit by bit with each sad memory. These pictures and thought never cease. They haunt relentlessly: while watching TV, engaging in conversations, laughing a someone’s joke, finishing my housework, on and on and on. It’s like an annoying drip from a faucet, but the drip is corrosive acid and its target is my heart.
I’m sure one factor is that writing for the blog keeps Erik in my thoughts. That goes without saying. One side of Channeling Erik brings me solace and comfort. It heals me. The other side is that it provokes a constant reminder of his death, of his not being here with me in the physical, like salt being rubbed in an old wound so that it will never be fully covered with an impenetrable scar. For me, Channeling Erik is a dance between bliss and sorrow. But don’t get me wrong; the positives far outweigh the negatives.
The question is: how does one escape this back drop of sorrow to find a place of peace?
Two reminders:
1) Don’t forget to sign up for one of Jamie and Erik’s small group channeling calls before they fill up.
https://withloveandlight.com/shop/category/personal-growth/
2) For those of you who would still like say a few words of appreciation to Jamie, just send them along to emedhus@gmail.com and I’ll copy and paste them into the document of “Jamie Tributes” I have. I’d like to give this to her for Mother’s Day.
