Enjoy the fifth and last installment of our George Carlin interview. God love him, I guess his mom never washed his mouth out with soap. Seriously, the guy was a comedic genius. Still is.

Me: Now, can you share a past life that you feel influenced your last one, Sweetie?

George: If you’re calling me Sweetie, I might as well come over to your house now.

Me: Oh, boy.

George: If something is poking you at night, it might be me.

Me: Oh god, I’m going to have a hard time sleeping now.

George: Don’t be afraid, but I fully expect you to scream when you see it.

Me: Well, since I’m a doctor, I’ve probably seen more than you can imagine, but I promise I’ll try to look deeply alarmed, George, out of respect for you.

Jamie (laughing): Oh my god; he’s having such a good time!

Me: Well, I’ll be here all week.

Jamie: The pain is gone from my heart—most of it—but it’s still there in one spot.

Me: We’re almost finished, so do you think you can continue?

Jamie: Oh, yeah.  It’s so much better with Erik shielding me.

George: I was a Mayan. Very height challenged. I was a male—very strong. You know there’s no fat in that culture, but I was stronger than average and I was the person who actually decapitated people. I was the one who would swing the holy knife to cut the heads off.

Me: Ew.

George: You know, it’s a line of work. You do what you have to do.

Me: It’s a living.

George: It’s a living, right, but you get used to it after the third time.

Jamie (shocked): God! I can’t even believe this. He says, “ Cutting through the spine is a little difficult.”

George: You definitely have to have a hard swing.

Me: Oh, yeah!

George: We would use the heads for a multitude of reasons: We would sacrifice the blood; we would use the bodies’ individual parts; we would hang and dry them. Sometimes we would use the heads for sport.

Me: Ew.

A bit too much, even for a physician.

George: We would dry the blood out of it and then use the head as a ball. This was meant to scare the evil demons away. But the whole culture I was living in was so religiously driven so there was no other form of relief. What you did was caused BY religion dammed to you or gifted to you by something greater than you. And well, I had the bigger head of knowing that I could take somebody’s life at any moment.

Me: Uh huh.

George: That was my job. When you didn’t see the results from all the sacrifices and you were told to take it as a punishment, as a no, even though so much was given in—

Me: Wait, what? I don’t get what you’re saying.

George: The sacrifice.

Me: Yeah, but punishment for whom?

George: Personal or for the entire community. If we needed good weather—

Me: How would you choose somebody?

George: A lot of times they had to offer themselves up. Yeah, it’s not very pleasant.

Me: Men, woman and children?

George: Absolutely.

Me: Oh, my god.

George: Babies.

Me: Oh, no!

George: Sometimes they were chosen because of their age, their birth or their purity or what position they held within the community.

Me: So how did that life affect your last one?

George: it was the intense structure of all of it. I wanted nothing more than to get rid of that. I went from one extreme to the complete opposite.

Me: I see. That makes total sense. Okay, so do you have any messages for humanity? Is there anything you’d like to share with the rest of the world before we close?

George: Go fuck yourself.

Me: Huh?

George: When you do, you’ll get to know yourself better, and then maybe you’ll be a better member of society.

Me: What do you mean by “go fuck yourself”?

George (teasingly): What? I gotta come over and show you some pictures?

Me (laughing): Well, I might call your bluff on that, because I want people to have clear and concise directions like, “Insert tab A into slot B.” whatever it takes. So when you say, “Go fuck yourself,” what does that mean exactly? Does that mean “lighten up,” does that mean—

George: Why the fuck didn’t I marry you?!

I laugh, nervously.

George: Yeah, take it as go screw yourself up or go make love to yourself—whatever you want to define it to be. You need to go do it with yourself, because if you don’t know who you are—you can’t be anybody else—then you cannot be a contributing member of society.

Me: Ah! So Erik, what questions do you want to ask Mr. Carlin?

Erik: Nah, it’ll be private. I get him for the whole afternoon.

Me: Oh, okay!

George: I guess I was rented like a bouncy room, so I’m taken for the whole afternoon.

Me: Good luck, Erik! And good luck, George! I’d love to be a fly on the wall with you two.

George: I salute you for your braveness, your big balls, and obviously your large d#$%.

Everyone laughs.

Me: Well, I take that as a complement, I guess. I don’t know if I’ve ever receive anything close to that. Thank you for you time.

George (pointing his finger and winking an eye): Now, go fuck yourself.

Jamie (laughing): And he says it really nicely!