This was a difficult one for me. Although revisiting that day triggered all sorts of grief, I think it’s important to understand what happens when we die. I’m sorry I can’t check this post for typos and spelling errors. I just don’t have the stomach for it. But I’d appreciate it if anyone notes something so I can change it.

Me: Erik, can you describe death and what happens right afterwards in great detail—at least what happens for most. I know everybody’s death is different, but just give me whatever generalities you can.

(Long pause as Jamie listens to him)

Jamie: Okay. Hmm. I think he’s smoked out or something!

Me: Ah oh!

Jamie and I giggle.

Jamie: He’s laughing.

Me: He’s going to go out for some ethereal nachos later.

Jamie: Seriously! He won’t include me. He won’t tell me why he’s giggling, so I don’t know where it’s coming from.

Erik: To explain death in general, I think it does it an injustice, Mom. So, remind all of the readers at the beginning that death is hand tailored to the person’s living belief system. Whatever you’re actively believing in: nothing, God, you face your demons before you have joy, you become a ghost—whatever it is. This is going to be laid out for you.

Me: Okay, then let’s talk about your death. You’re dead; so let’s talk about that. What were your beliefs? I never really—

Erik: God, aren’t you rude!

Me: I’m sorry, but let’s talk about—

Erik: Put this down before we change subjects, because people are gonna ask, “Why is it based on your individual belief systems?” And you need to let them know that they’re the tool. The physical body is the luggage. It contains the spirit. When the body dies, it becomes a soul. It leaves the body, and that soul is then kind of contained in consciousness. That character that you built, all those intangibles, what made you laugh—

Jamie (to Erik): Yes, your personality. Got it.

Erik: And so the way it moves through these dimensions to get to Home, Heaven, whatever the hell you wanna call it, it’s gotta do that through that conscious element that you’ve set up—that belief system that you set up. That’s gonna be told to be there. So that’s the basis. Now, you’re asking me what I believed in. I don’t really fucking know. It definitely wasn’t all this! I learned way more about the structure of the afterlife by being here.

Me: Well, when you pulled that trigger, did you think there was going to be nothingness, or did you—

Erik: I was kind of hoping for it. I mean, really, I was so desperate to get out of my skin. I was just hoping that I could (pause) kind of what I would imagine, Mom, like a person with a puppy or a baby who has a lack of sleep. I just wanted a good night’s sleep. I just wanted some good, solid peace.

Me: Yeah. So, did you, uh, you were sort of hoping there was something, or you were not even thinking about it?

Erik: Wasn’t even thinking about it.

Me: Did you ever think about, in your life, whether there could be something afterwards?

Erik: Yeah! Yeah, cuz you hear, you know, those ghost stories. For me, it wasn’t about God or miracles. What I connected more to, which I thought was way more fucking unbelievable were the ghosts.

Jamie (to Erik): Really? That’s kind of a neat way to think about it, right?

Me: Yeah.

Erik: Cuz it’s not like God’s coming down—

Jamie (laughing): The way he says it!

Erik: It’s not like God’s coming to your house and fucking with your shit and knocking stuff over! No, that’s the dead dude. So, you know there might be life after the one you’re living in, but shit, it doesn’t have to be based on a religious belief system. I had an inkling that there’d be an afterlife, but I had no fucking idea what it would contain.

Me: Okay. When you pulled that trigger, what happened right after? First of all, did it hurt?

Erik: No, I don’t remember any pain. I remember the sound, but I don’t remember anything touching me. Just the sound. So, I think, I guess you know how you get pulled from your body?

Me: So, you felt a pulling sensation?

Erik: No, it was weird. It was like the lights went out. You know, I got my eyes closed. I remember pulling the trigger. I remember I was quick about it. I didn’t hesitate. I knew I was going to do this. This was the time. That was it. I didn’t have any doubt about what I was doing. I wasn’t conflicted. It’s kind of like that set of mind?

Jamie (to Erik): What do you mean, “set of mind”?
Me: Mindset?

Jamie: Yeah that.

Erik: That mindset you get when you’re running a really long race, and you see the finish line.

Me: Ah, yeah.

Erik: You don’t really tap in to how exhausted you are, or what emotions you’re feeling. You just have your eye on the goal, and you’re gonna get there. For me, I had my eye on the goal. I had to get out. I remember the feel of the gun, pulling the trigger, hearing the sound. There’s darkness, and they I was looking at my body.

Me: Hmm. That must have been freaky.

Erik: Yeah. I had no clue. I did NOT know that I would be able to see myself. That never even crossed my mind. I really just kind of thought I would go into nothing. I wanted it to crumble. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to snuff it out.

Me: What were your emotions like when you saw your body? What did you feel?

(Pause)

Jamie (to Erik): Oh, that’s the face? (To me) He just kind of went blank on me, and his mouth hung slightly open, and he just, he said that’s what he felt.

Me: His jaw dropped? That sort of thing? Like “What the fuck”?

Erik: No, no, Mom! It was wild. I didn’t know what the fuck. It was more of an, “Oh. Oh.” I didn’t want to stay there. I didn’t want to see everything, but I couldn’t leave. It’s like watching a bad car wreck.

Me: Oh, yeah.

Erik: But I wasn’t tethered to it at all. It was bizarre.

Me: Tethered emotionally?

Erik: Yeah.

Me: What else did you feel?

Erik: I guess it was shock more than anything.

Me: Did you feel euphoria along with it?

Erik: Quiet. It was quiet. I had no pain. I didn’t have any worries, and that was unsettling, because I hadn’t felt that in a long time, like everything was in its right place.

Me: Oh!

Erik: So, I think it was way more unsettling that celebratory.

 

For all of you new members, I can’t stress how important it is to go through the archives. That’s where all the basics are about death, the nature of the afterlife, the soul and everything to do with the human experience.

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Dear Reader,

The journey on which you’re about to embark will take you through stories that are deeply personal and involves a relationship between a mother and her son.

As a physician raised by two atheists, I had no personal belief system about life after death. In a word, I was a confirmed skeptic. As my journey progressed, my mind opened. It is my sincerest hope that yours will open as well and that you will have a greater understanding of your own life and what’s to come ahead.

Although Erik sometimes paints a rosy picture of the afterlife, time and time again he stresses that suicide is not the answer to one’s problems. If you struggle, please understand that the information in my blog and my book is no substitute for professional help. Please click here for a list of resources for help when you find yourself considering taking your own life. Know that they are readily available when you feel that hopelessness and despair that many of us feel from time to time in our lives.

I refuse all donations and ad revenue on the blog. It is my dream to one day establish a nonprofit organization that delivers a variety of spiritual services for those who have lost loved ones to suicide and cannot afford that assistance on their own. It’s a mission of love, sacrifice, and dedication.

Love and light,

Elisa