This is a continuation of the self-esteem series. Read these three previous posts: FIRST, SECOND and THIRD if you need to. 

Me: Why do some people get stuck in this over-bloated self-esteem, the opposite side of the pendulum?

Erik: We see people stuck there all the time.

Me: Yeah but why do they get stuck and not get to the neutral point?

Erik: Hey, man, because it feels really good. It’s self-indulgence. “Why would I want to admit that I’m wrong, man?”

Me: So what can people do when they’re on either side of the pendulum? What advice do you have to offer? How can they bring their self-esteem to that neutral point where they’re not a narcissist or a victim?

Erik: I love telling people to build a team, and this is for every person, even those in the neutral point. On your team, just like the roommates in your body—spiritual, emotional, mental and physical, mind, body, emotions and soul—you need to have a team of people who can feed these parts of you. Maybe there’s a therapist or life coach who can help you build mind and heart. Maybe there’s a physical trainer or nutritionist who can help you build the body, and then maybe there’s this great yoga teacher or someone who can help you with meditation or breathing exercises that will help you build the spirit. You know you have the right people when you’re comfortable and you have no doubt about being open and honest with them. As soon as you find yourself holding back, then you know that this is not the person you want anymore. Thank them for what they’ve given you, and look for someone else.

Me: Well, what if you can’t afford all of these resources.

Erik: You don’t always have to fork out money for them. There are all sorts of wonderful community programs. There are things available on the Internet that have video clips on mediation and yoga. It’s really getting that person to develop the discipline enough to have a team, to see that they even need a team around them. Most people see having a team like a therapist as, “You’re broken, and you need to be fixed.” That’s bullshit. This team can help give you an outside perspective on how you’re handling your self-esteem. A lot of times when you just have that one perspective—yours—you can’t access where you are on that swing.

Me: And if you can’t access it, you can’t get back to that neutral point.

Erik: Right. And my neutral point is different from your neutral point. We all can’t just sit around and measure ourselves and go, “Hey, you’re fucking off!”

Me: What final kernel of wisdom can you give people before we close?

Erik: This needs to go down in history. My mom is asking me for one slice of wisdom, That means she thinks I have wisdom!

Jamie laughs,

Me: Oh, of course you do, sweetie.

Erik: I’m no Winston Churchill.

Jamie: Apparently, Winston Churchill is someone he thinks has wisdom.

(Pause)

Jamie: He’s thinking. (To Erik) I’m not. No. This is just funny for you.

Erik: If you fart, you know you’ve dealt it.

I guess she went against her better judgment and translated what he said anyway. Heads up.

I laugh.

Erik: Hmm. One liner wisdom. When—

Jamie: Yeah, that’s more than one line. He’s talking about three or four different topics.

(Long pause)

Jamie: You want to ask him something else while he’s working on that?

Me: No, because we really need to move on.

(Those parts come later.)