Tomorrow, I have surgery on one of my eyes early in the morning. I think I’ll be able to post something, but if I don’t, you’ll know why. I’m having the other eye operated on the following Tuesday. Wish me luck! Maybe I’ll finally not drive at night with sweaty palms! Meanwhile, here, Erik continues his description of his own personal death experience.
Me: Did you think it was cool to just fly around? Did you feel that unconditional love that a lot of people talk about?
Me: Or was that when you crossed over?
Erik: Yes. When I crossed over.
Me: All right. Let’s talk more then. So, you were looking at that (his body), and you were like, “Wow”, and there was a little bit of shock. Did you feel a little bit of, “Oh, shit? What are they going to think when they find me?”
Jamie: He’s real quiet. I can tell he’s going through it.
(Very long pause)
Jamie: I’m telling him to take his time.
Erik: You know, I don’t slow down to think about my death too much.
Erik: To me, it was a way out. It has a lot of pain associated with it.
Me (tearing up): Mm hm.
Erik: It’s not just my pain, but my family’s pain and mu friends’ pain.
(Long pause. Clearly he’s not comfortable)
Me (sensing his discomfort and wanting to spare him further pain): Well, let’s not dwell on it. Let’s go to what happened and what it felt like when you started getting out of your room. Tell me about that.
Erik: I remember seeing my body leave.
Me: You body leave? Oh, when they were taking you away?
Erik: In the bag.
Me: Okay. Right.
Erik: Then I remember thinking that I needed to say goodbye.
Erik: And if I remember right, That’s when I started checking in with family members.
Me: That must have been painful, because we were not happy.
Jamie: He’s got his elbows on his knees; his hands are clasped in front of him. Very casual, but he’s (pause) solemn. A little bit more solemn.
Erik: I remember finding—
Jamie (with emotion): Aw. He’s tearing up.
Me: Oh. We don’t have to do this, Baby.
Erik (teasing): Shut up, Mom.
Jamie: Tearing up, but not afraid to tell you to be quiet.
I chuckle softly.
Erik: When you slow down to go back through your memories, you see more. You do miss a lot when you’re in the moment, like your eyes aren’t big enough. I know I’ve told you before. I’m really sorry—for you. I’m really sorry for Pappa and for everyone else in my family.
Me (sobbing quietly): Yeah.
Erik: But I know there’s one thing—I cannot apologize for my happiness.
Me: I know. I’m happy for you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I had to choose between you being here an miserable, of course…
Erik: How fucked up is it, Mom, that that was my option?
Me: Yeah. I wouldn’t want that to happen.
Erik: What I can’t seem to figure out when I go through it again, “Why does it hurt so bad when the outcome was exactly what I was looking for?
Me (still crying): And you’re happy. I mean, how could it hurt when you’re happy? I’m just looking at the moment. The moment is unhappy, but the result was happy. So, we’ll move past the moment. Tell me about your crossing over. Did you, I remember you said something like you felt like you were bing tugged by your shoulders. I can’t remember exactly.
Erik: Yeah. I felt like I was being pulled back. I guess I just really wasn’t’ paying attention. It sounds like me, anyway. Like, I was looking at something I wasn’t supposed to be looking at.
Me (confused): You were looking at something you weren’t supposed to be looking at?
Jamie: He’s speaking in general.
Me: Oh, okay.
Erik: That’s probably why I didn’t’ see this big gorgeous white light, you know, hear angels sing!
Jamie (giggling): He’s laughing.
I chuckle through my tears.
Erik: Nah, I was probably fucking doing something wrong and over to the side. Probably I got jerked.
Me: Oh, I see. I see.
Erik: Yeah. THAT feeling was unspeakable. That one is like taking a body and putting it through a strainer and have all of the pieces come out on the other end, but different. Clean. I supposed it would be the feeling that I would think back in the old times when people thought that if they were baptized by Jesus, everything would disappear and they’d only be good. That’s really what death is.
Me: Wow. Mm.
Erik: You really are good. You’re not missing those other parts. They’re still with you, but they don’t play a big part of the song. You don’t lose any of yourself, but what comes forward is this overwhelming sense of perfection, being in the right place, being loved and you being able to FEEL it. Like, there’s not even the tiniest comment or remark about doubting what’s coming your way or if there was some string attached, or were they just trying to lure you and really it was Hell, you know. (He chuckles.) None of that. It just, it’s so much you don’t even weep about it. That’s when your family and your friends show up. When you notice you’re not alone.
Jamie still has openings for small group readings and the grievers’ call this week. Please click on the link below, find what you’d like to register for and click on it. The readings provide an opportunity to ask questions about your future, your career, your health, your relationships and more. Both calls give you a chance to speak with your deceased loved ones.
The journey on which you’re about to embark will take you through stories that are deeply personal and involves a relationship between a mother and her son.
As a physician raised by two atheists, I had no personal belief system about life after death. In a word, I was a confirmed skeptic. As my journey progressed, my mind opened. It is my sincerest hope that yours will open as well and that you will have a greater understanding of your own life and what’s to come ahead.
Although Erik sometimes paints a rosy picture of the afterlife, time and time again he stresses that suicide is not the answer to one’s problems. If you struggle, please understand that the information in my blog and my book is no substitute for professional help. Please click here for a list of resources for help when you find yourself considering taking your own life. Know that they are readily available when you feel that hopelessness and despair that many of us feel from time to time in our lives.
I refuse all donations and ad revenue on the blog. It is my dream to one day establish a nonprofit organization that delivers a variety of spiritual services for those who have lost loved ones to suicide and cannot afford that assistance on their own. It’s a mission of love, sacrifice, and dedication.
Love and light,