The Morning After I Killed Myself

A blog member sent me this today, and I thought it was so powerful that it deserved its own post. I hope it helps each of us see just how precious life and the human experience is. I wish Erik had read this when he was alive.
The Morning After I Killed Myself
by Meggie Royer

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

Wow. On another note, I have two live shows today:

Mind Matters with Ajayan Borys

Airs LIVE HERE at 3:30-4:00 PM CT on KKNW alternative talk radio 1150 AM, Seattle

Additional details HERE with Kathleen Martin

Airs LIVE HERE 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM CT

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Elisa Medhus

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  • Christine

    Gosh, Elisa, that is SO beautiful. Shivers the entire time. Thank you.

  • Jazzy Cravo

    Thank you Elisa. This honest description enlightened my heart in an amazing way. It is when we change our prespective to search for the positives and blessings that our life reveals its true value.

  • Carolyn Thayer Bailey

    Powerful! It gives me goosebumps!

  • Carolyn Robbin

    wow is right

  • Lars Bo

    I’ve lost someone like that and I’m crying now 🙂

  • Julie Carlson

    Lars – I am very sorry for your loss. This is how I lost my little boy in 2011 when he was 14. This is beautiful, bittersweet and gave me goosebumps as well.

  • Mary Schmalenberger

    Wow- very powerful!

  • Andy B

    Awesomely powerful and perspective setting x

  • Raven

    This is incredibly beautiful! Just amazing. I’m saving this and surly passing it on!! Love and light to Elisa and the entire Erik family!!!

  • Maya

    But a day after suicide, your problem is still there Elisa & others. Waking up from death, doesn’t mean your life suddenly shinny, eating breakfast, etc.

    This poem only applies for people who regretting their suicide act. Does not apply for people who does not regret their suicide.

  • Lorey

    Elisa…this made me cry…so moving, thank you for sharing this…I also have lost 2 close people to suicide, my Mother In Law and a close friend…Thank you for sharing so much with us…I just love you all so much!!!!

  • Dominika

    it’s so touching… thank You Elisa and Meggie! with LOVE….

  • Suzette Peters-Williams

    Tears are leaking outta my eyes….. Speechless!

  • Justin Casey Zakop

    The grass is always greener…

  • cyndi wilkins

    The tragedy of life is how many of us awaken only after death…suicide or not. Thank you Meggie Royer…for touching our hearts with your beautiful words. Perhaps you have inspired someone to finish what they started:)

  • Sally Galarneau

    This really made me think of my own life and how easy it becomes to take things for granted. Life can be hard at times but it is a gift. Thank you for the reminder.

  • Beth Murphy, M.Msc.

    Beautifully done.

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