You know, I rarely talk about my grief over Erik’s death. In part, that’s because I’ve learned that we can continue to have a relationship, and of course, we do, but as a mother, I still miss the physical. From time to time, including lately, grief will raise its ugly head for a while. Sometimes, it’s when he’s with me. I know that sounds ironic, but it’s true. Like this morning while standing in front of the coffee maker, I felt the tingling in my body that heralds his arrival and was overcome by sadness of all the hopes and dreams I had for him that will never happen: a wife, children, a fulfilling career and even growing gracefully into old age. I’ve come to terms with this, though, and know it will be a part of my life until the day I die. So those of you who have “lost” loved ones, I understand all too well that even though we continue to have a relationships with them–a relationships that’s different but still very much real–but we’ll never have that body to hold, to caress, to kiss, to fuss at, to lavish with words of love and more.

Here’s the last part of our piece on authenticity. I included the last part of Part One to help orient you. 

Erik: That’s the true essence of staying connected to your authentic self, liking the good and ugly parts of yourself.

Me: And that takes a lot of emotional honesty!

Erik: It does! Let’s admit it. We all have ugly parts.

Me (pointing to myself): Yes!

Erik: Being honest with yourself and with others.

(Long pause)

Kim (laughing and shaking her head): I’m not going to repeat that!
Oh no. Now what has he said?

Me: Oh, come on, Kim! Bad words?

Kim: I don’t know how it will be taken!

Erik: Jesus Christ! It’s so much easier to be truthful with who you are with yourself and with others around you! Love everything about you, and love everything about your surroundings, and that will be reciprocated.

Me: It seems like that would take less effort, you know?

More courage, but less effort.

Erik: Exactly. It’s so tiring [to be someone you’re not.] If you try to put on a façade, two things are going to happen: People these days are more awake, Mom. They’re going to feel that fakeness.

Me: Ah!

Erik: You’re going to get tired of it, and you’re going to get caught in it. Your lies will eventually be revealed. Pulling away from your authentic self, trying to be what you’re not—eventually you’re going to run out of energy. For what it’s worth, let it be known that it takes so much less energy to be authentic.

Me: And what’s the worse that can happen, someone’s going to laugh at you? Well, that’s kind of scary!

Erik (shrugging his shoulders): The worse that can happen is you’re actually going to find true friends.

Kim: I love his answer.

Me: Yeah.

Erik: True connections, true bonds and you’ll get to know yourself deeper. That’s what’s really going to happen.

Kim: He keeps going on this tangent about being fake, fake personalities and what not.

Erik: If you’re making friends and you’re not being yourself, you have to ask, “Is that relationship authentic?” That’s shaky ground to be walking on! Mom, this is the answer to so many things. It boils down to self-love. Work on every aspect of who you are, and be emotionally honest with yourself and everybody around you.

Me: Is there an exercise we can do? Maybe we can write out everything that we love about ourselves and everything we don’t love about ourselves so it can be tangible. Then we can embrace it. Or maybe there’s a mantra you want us to say. What exercises can we do so that this is not so abstract.

Erik: It’s easy to connect with what you love about yourself because most of the time it’s already known. So make that list of what you don’t love about yourself. Start there. “Number 1, I don’t like my teeth.” “Number 2, I don’t like my big old round waist.” When you write those items out, then find ways to change your perspective. “Well, why don’t I like my teeth? Is it because I’m comparing? Why am I comparing? That’s unfair.” That takes being honest about the things you don’t like. That’s when truth comes out. That’s when real emotional honesty is going to be required.

Kim: He says the same thing about relationships.

Erik: The environment around you, your relationships, your job, how do you feel when you’re not your authentic self. Quiz yourself. “Am I my authentic self at work? Do I maintain that sense of me when I’m there, or do I change who I am?” If you do, ask, “Why do I change who I am? Maybe I think the boss will like me more. Why do I think the boss wouldn’t like me?” Process why it is that you’re changing.

Kim: He keeps painting the word “acceptance” really big.

Erik: People are so afraid of not being accepted.

Me: Yeah, but if you have the other way of belonging to the pack, earning your way in, then you can tap into the list of things you like about yourself and rely on that. Okay, so your teeth are yellow, but if you can contribute to team building or if you have a knack for making people feel loved, they won’t give a flying rat’s ass what color your teeth are.

Erik: In any situation or scenario, if you’re more loving of yourself and more accepting of yourself, that’s going to be reciprocated from the environment around you. People can feel—or even see at times—the change of being in one environment and then another. But if you maintain that constant state of self-love, which is sometimes hard to achieve for some people, those around you are going to accept you as you do. If you don’t accept this or that about yourself, the people around you won’t either.

Me: Yeah. They pick up on that energy probably.

Erik: They do. They’re all readers, Mom. They’re all turning into readers. They can read energy.

Me: God dang it. You can’t hide anything anymore! Well that’s good. Anything else you want to cover before we close?

Erik: You asked for a mantra.

Me: Oh, okay.

Erik: “I accept; I love; I am.” “I am” connects you to you. “I accept” refers to accepting yourself and your environment. Love is the most important thing.

Me: So “I accept; I love; I am.”

Kim: He’s razzing on me. He says, “God, Kim, why do you have to be so prim and proper? Just chill!”

Kim and I laugh.

Me: Erik, quit razzing on her when she’s sick!

We say our usual thank yous and goodbyes.