Since we’re family (and thankfully not a dysfunctional one,) I’m hoping we can console and offer direction for two of our lovely blog members, Melanie and Wishbone. Please read their stories below:

Wishbone

Hey everyone. I came here from reading about Erik on the Huffington Post.  I’m glad this site exists and you all sound like very cool people.  I am stuck in a personal rut. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety off and on for most of my life, but this bout I’ve had since last summer– but this time seems different.  I have parental support, but I am living paycheck to paycheck, I support myself and the stakes seem real this time…feel like I’m on the precipice of blowing opportunities.  I’m 26 and I’m told that I’m very hard on myself, but I am one of these people who can open up pretty easily, but then I pull back just as easily, afraid I’m getting taken advantage of.  Been burned a few times in life, personally and professionally.  Parents divorced when I was 17.  Have trouble expressing anger (except through writing) and find myself either constantly anxious or angry…. and then wanting to isolate. Lately, I’ve been afraid of people, even friends.  It’s like I’m watching myself slowly alienate myself from people… wanting to hide all the time.  I also feel like I’m going to be “found out,” even though I haven’t done anything bad, I just feel like I’m living a double life in the way that I put on a facade to most people but inside I feel like wobbly jello and I’m waiting for the domino that’s going to knock me down.  Being around competitive guys makes me hate myself.

I have opened up to a few friends and family about what I am going through, but I feel like I drag it out and act like a victim and it gets wearying after awhile. Then I visualize myself like a movie hero going “yes I can get out of this” and then I see an inevitable crash afterwards, and so on…

I wish I had a magic pill answer.  I want one so freakin’ badly, I want to be fixed, but I also have trouble taking responsibility… I overanalyze things to death and that keeps my paralyzed.

I wonder if I am normal… or if I’ve somehow not embraced my “Shadow” side and now it’s all bubbling up as depression/anger and agoraphobic tendencies.  Aaaaaahhhh…

I used to do a lot of creative writing, but have since had this idea in my head that accomplishing something/creating something gives me an ego shield to deal with people in the world, so I’m trying to undo that association by not writing and bearing things, but I feel crappy.  It’s like I have no self-esteem unless I am accomplishing or creating someone, and I constantly look to other people for permission that it’s OK to do it — or anything really.  I feel like I am losing my mind a little bit, it’s getting a bit worrisome and don’t feel safe that much (even though there really is no perceived threat).  I constantly feel judged and even though I work a very easy job and people are nice to me, I get the urge to disassociate from close relationships–cause they seem messy and I want to do it the right way, and not be overstepping bounds, etc… wish there was a rule book to show me how to do everything.

When I am not depressed, what confounds is that I am a very social, outgoing, even brave person. I sometimes wonder if I am Borderline, HSP/empathic, Bipolar, or just OCD/depressed and excited to embrace life to the fullest when I get out of this and feel safe and secure… I told my parents that I have trouble feeling love and loving people, even them at times.

I was involved in the pick-up arts for a little while and that helped me in some ways to show what’s possible, but it also made me into an overanalytical machine in some ways.

I wish I could take my amygdala and slap it around a few times, tell it to get with the program.

I don’t know who I am anymore and am going through some sort of identity crisis.  I thought my calling was to be a writer, but now I don’t know.  Maybe a therapist, teacher?  I am also afraid of what people THINK of me all the time, how they’re judging me…I get anxious looking at my facebook feed. Logically, I know this is retarded, but it’s how I react.

I think I may want to help people if I can get past my own issues.  Other times, I feel selfish like I don’t want to help anyone but myself (followed by a beating up of self, mentally).  I also feel like I sometimes just use people for help, get what I need, and move on.  Does anyone else feel that way?  I think I am a nice person, and have always been respectful my whole life, but there is such a rush and relief to being an asshole sometimes… hence, embracing my shadow side… but I don’t like hurting people, that’s why when my parents were splitting I channeled a lot of anger into writing, being mean to fictional character, instead of at the real people who perhaps deserved the brunt of it.  Problem is, in real life, I don’t know how to deal with conflict well and I end up questioning myself and that becomes passive-aggressive.

I’ve never seen any spirits or ghosts, though if I did, that might make me a believer and less of a fence-sitting skeptic/closeted believer.  Maybe Erik can help clarify a few things for me.

Sorry if this message is overly self-centered. I’m trying to be a better person and want to be a good friend and help people, it just feels hard to do at the moment.  Thanks for reading.

Melanie

Today, 10 years ago at 9:30pm PST. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl with a full head of dark hair. Thought that labor was never going to end!

She was perfect. She turned me from a women into a mother. She completed me. She made me smile, laugh and cry.

She turned my life into something I had always wanted. Holding her, I always knew I was the luckiest women alive. Watching her grow into the little lady she had become was one of the highlights of my life. For 8 years we were glued at the hip. She was such a mommies girl. She was my everything. Even on the worst days, seeing her come around the corner at school, or down the stairs with that smile and those dimples, made everything perfect again.

To be were we are today, and to have the ability to replay Nov.1, 2009 over and over is something I NEVER thought would be. Seeing her like that… something I wish I could forget… but something I can’t.

She was suppose to grow up. She was suppose to go on to excel in gymnastics, and school. She was suppose to have a 1st crush, and 1st kiss, a sweet sixteen. I was suppose to help her through boyfriend heartaches and watch her walk down the aisle. Hold my grand baby…

She wont be a part of any of that. How does one wrap her mind around that? How does one accept that? How does a mother not break down everyday knowing her daughter is gone? To never come home.

This is not how it should be. I know I do not know the “big plan” and maybe she was too good for this world. What ever the case, at the end of the day, my little girl that I loved more then ANYTHING… is gone.

I should have putting together loot bags and stressing out a birthday party with tons of screaming girls in my house. I should not be ordering a cake with My daughters name, and a cross on it.

She should be waking up tomorrow with the knowledge that she is a “big Girl” now. Double digits was always a big deal.  Waking up to singing, and a birthday breakfast and gifts from her family.

Those days are gone. Never to come back. Rather the phone will ring with people not too sure on why they are calling or what to say.

I will be letting my balloon go to my baby in heaven tomorrow. While praying that she knows that if I could fly up with it I would. That if I could turn back time and change it all I would. But mostly pray that she knows that her Mama continues to love her more and more each day, and nothing will ever change that.

Wishing my little girl the best birthday with the angels this year.

Mommy loves you.

xoxo