Me: Okay, Erik, I’d like to ask about the baby I lost between you and Lukas. (To Jamie) I lost him in the 25th week of my pregnancy, and was devastated. Just devastated. I really felt a connect to that baby. What happened is after I had a routine amniocentesis, I was supposed to lie down for several hours. So while I was lying down on the living room couch, Kristina, Michelle, and Erik were playing like wild Indians. The girls started chasing Erik, pretending they were dragons, monsters or something, and Erik was giggling like mad. Well, you know how moms usually end up as “base?” I was Erik’s base. He pounced on my stomach and the amniotic fluid started leaking.
Jamie: Oh my!
Me: Anyway, back and forth to the doctor, on bed rest. Eventually, the baby died and had to be removed from me.
Me: Years later, when I was strong enough to find out more about the baby, I discovered it was a boy and named him Seth.
Erik: Yeah, me and Seth planned that together.
Me: In hindsight, yeah, I figured as much. I never told you what happened when you were here on the earthly plane, because I knew it would have caused guilt feelings, and you were only like three at the time. (Pause) Any messages from him?
(Long pause as Jamie listens to Seth)
Jamie: He said that he never suffered.
Me: Oh, good. Good.
Jamie: He knew his life wouldn’t be complete.
Me: Um hm.
Jamie: That the message was for you, not for him.
Jamie: So he did not suffer, and he has carried on, and he’s into a different lifetime.
Me: Oh, good! What was the message for me? Was it a lesson to learn, or…
Jamie: He calls it more of a reminder than a lesson.
Me: Oh, really?
Jamie: Yeah, and, um, a reminder of how to be aware of the life that you DO have.
Me: Uh huh. Okay.
Erik: Because, Mom, with moments of loss, you can find joy, you can rejoice in what you have. It’s crazy how humans are so focused on what’s gonna be next, what they want at the store. The make wish lists and dreams. Why can’t they just live with joy in the moment.
Me: Yeah. Live in the moment. It’s hard. It’s not easy.
Erik: Society programs you to do it, to live in the future longing for something better or to live in the past resenting or feeling shame and guilt. It’s all marketing.
Jamie (laughing): He puts up his hands and goes, “Damn marketing!”
Me: Well, I want you to know that I love you, Seth. I say that every day and you’ll always have a special place in the family and in my heart. I hope you have a beautiful life.
Seth: I love you too, Mom.