Most of us have lost a relationship of some kind in our lives whether it’s a friend or a family member. Sometimes it’s devastating and keeps us from moving forward. We get stuck. Sometimes it’s a relief. Have you ever cut ties with someone who’s been a negative influence in your life? I’m talking about people who are needy and clingy, people who are energy vampires, people who suck the self-esteem right out of you, etc. Either way, there are all losses. Let’s see what Erik has to say.
Me: Losing relationships is pretty common in the lives of us mere mortals. I know that much of the things you said about general loss applies, but are their special aspects about this type of loss? Can you share anything else about this particular loss?
Erik: Well, here’s a big one. People who can’t get beyond a broken relationship, a relationship that no longer is, are the people who keep focusing on, “What does that say about me? This was my fault in some way. I failed. I failed!” They sit there and whine over that, and then they use that broken relationship as justification for beating themselves up and believing that they’re not worthy. They give power to that sense of unworthiness. That’s just fucked up. You have to recognize that every relationship, romantic or otherwise, runs its course and, eventually, once you’ve learned what you were supposed to learn from each other has been accomplished, that relationship dissolves. You’re supposed to move on. You have to see it that way. It’s no reflection of who you are as a person, and this is a real hard one for people to see, but you have to look at everything as an opportunity. An opportunity is something to celebrate because it means you’re going to learn something and grow as an individual.
Me: Well, what would an example of that opportunity be?
Erik: For instance, in a romantic relationship, think about all the tail you get to find now.
Robert and I burst out into laughter. Typical Erik.
Erik: Yeah, you get to find a new piece of ass.
Robert: You’re so crazy, Erik.
Erik: That’s one thing, and another thing is you get to play that whole game again of courtship and that period of fleeting euphoria. Now, I’m not an advocate of becoming a love addict because there are some people who are like that. They get into a relationship, and, as soon as the feeling starts to fade, they pull away from the other person.
Me: Yeah, when the euphoria is gone.
Erik: Yeah.
Me: Why do relationships end?
Erik: It’s because you’ve learned everything you need to learn from each other. A lot of times, people get stuck in relationships where they’ve learned everything they’ve needed to learn, and being in the presence of that person feels like such a drag.
Me: They become an appendage, kind of like the appendix.
Erik: You have to recognize when things have become stale. If that happens, but in your heart you still feel connected to that person and feel you need to be with them in a way that is not out of fear, then you need to work on the relationship. You need to fight for that shit. That’s another lesson.
Me: So, that’s another lesson, learning to fight for what still serves you.
Erik: Yep.
Me: What about the loss of a friendship? Is there anything different about that?
Erik: All the other stuff I talked about already can still apply, but—and this can apply to any kind of relationship—sometimes relationships end because things that people might call shortfalls like our stubbornness or egocentrism—
Me: So, you’re such an asshole that they ditch you.
Erik: Right. And sometimes the other person feels disrespected but doesn’t say anything. That’s fucked up. They close themselves off from that communication, and then the relationship starts to dissolve. That’s not good or bad, cuz you learn something from it, but…
Me: In romantic relationships, there are some instances where they should still fight because there are still lessons to be learned from each other about communication, boundary setting and other things.
Erik: Yeah. Boundary setting is a big one with every relationship, including friendships, because when someone is disrespecting you, then that’s crossing a boundary. You have the choice to speak up, let it go, or move on and get another fucking friend.
Me: What about when you lose a relationship with a family member?
Sometimes a good thing, in my personal experience!
Erik: Yeah, that’s the closest thing to experiencing a physical death because when you think of your family, you build a deep soul connection to that other person. Even though that person is still alive, you can still go through that same grief process. You feel this hole because you can’t touch that person anymore. In some ways, for some people, it can be worse because you know that person rejected you or you rejected each other. So you beat yourself up. You might start to see the bad in everybody. Then, you need to seek out other attachments and give yourself what you know you deserve. That line, “We get the love we think we deserve,” that’s so fucking true. I don’t remember which one, but that’s from a movie Rob and I watched.
Robert: He just called me “Rob.” He never does that! He usually just calls me “Dude.”
I chuckle.
Me: Anything else about the loss of relationships, Erik?
Erik: Well, it all boils down to recognizing that there is a lesson, that we’re just learning from each other, and, when you’re ready to move on, you have to detach from anything that’s holding you in place in that relationship and find a new type of attachment. It doesn’t have to be another person.
Yeah, goats are cool.
Erik: Self-empowerment. That’s a lesson that comes in when you need to move on.
