We have all of our videos uploaded to iMemories as a safe place to keep them in case we get robbed or our house burns to the ground (probably as a direct result of my cooking.) My husband and the rest of the family loves watching them from time to time, but I can’t. I just can’t. When I watch those videos of Erik from his birth to  just before his death, I think of things that could have, and should have been. My husband thinks of all the wonderful memories we’ve had. His perspective is so much healthier, and I try to make that shift, but again, every time I watch a video with Erik it, I cringe. My heart sinks. I have to shake my head in hopes that the sadness will loosen and fly out to haunt somebody else. (Of course I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but…) Do any of you who grieve grapple with the same thing? 

Here’s an interesting post on the spiritual basis of lung disease. Please snuff out your ciggies and read on.

Me: Well, let’s go on, very briefly, to lung disease. A lot people suffer from asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, you know, sometimes through smoking, emphysema, etc.

I start choking on my coffee.

Erik: Or simply choking on your coffee while you’re drinking it?

Can I ever so anything without this boy knowing about it? Nosy.

Me: Smartass.

Erik: I love you too, Mom.

Me (in a very sappy tone, of course): I love you.

Jamie laughs.

Erik: Lung disease, not being able to breathe, not being able to get enough oxygen. I like the concept of fish out of water. When a fish is out of water, they’re not using their brush (takes a deep breath) –

Jamie (smiling): He calls it “brush” but we’ll let him by.

I chuckle. Could she have misunderstood?

Erik: When a fish is out of water they’re not using their breath in the way that they’re used to. When the human is having a hard time with their environment, it’ll first attack their respiratory system, and, do you remember—

Jamie (to Erik, smiling): Story time?

Erik: Do you remember the old days when people would say, “Oh, you’re not well. Your lungs, you have asthma, allergies, whatever it is. You need to move to Florida. You need to head to the beach. You need to let the salt air heal you. You need to go to this region and let this heal you.” And people would do it. They’d pack up and go. They’re like, “Of course I’ll go. I can’t stay in the city like this!”

I conjure up thoughts of how those with tuberculosis would move into seaside sanitariums.

Erik: But what do we do today? We don’t do that! We don’t change the environment. We say, “Here’s some medication; here’s some things that you can do,” and we, you know, just kind of hope for the best. “Stay put, though. Come back to my medical office so I can give you some more prescriptions.” Really the whole person’s life needs to be taken into consideration.

Me: Well, we’re not just talking about the physical environment, right? We’re talking about relationships, the energetic patterns in your environment, etc.

Erik: Right. Yes, yes. But physicians and care providers don’t necessarily go there, because they don’t see that as being something tangible enough that would have the physical body react this way.

(Pause)

Jamie (chuckling): Kind of off topic. He goes, “You know, I don’t think they’re giving enough credit to people with allergies, either.”

Erik: You know, air quality, mold, pollution, mildew. For sensitive people that fucks them up, and they think they have something totally wrong with them when really it’s just the frigging quality of the air that they’re breathing.

Me: Oh, yeah.

Erik: We gotta get real. We don’t have to get paranoid, but we gotta get real about this. If you’re sensitive, you need to care for your environment the way that you need to be in it. Don’t be afraid to physically pick up and move or emotionally address what’s happening in your home.

Finally he’s moving from the physical to the emotional/spiritual!

Erik: How about, they’re a lot of people out there who feel really bad with family or friends and are having a hard time and they say, “Come. You can come stay with us. You can come stay for two months until you get on your feet” and then it’s a year later and they realize, “Oh, this is not really what I signed up for, but I love them and I’m doing a good thing.” At the same time they’re not honoring that they need their own space. They’re trumping their needs with an external pleasure.

I’m so confused. So I beg for clarification.

Me: So are you saying that the main spiritual root for lung diseases is not protecting your own space and your own needs?

Erik: Environment. Environment. Your surroundings. Think fish out of water.

Me: The environment. Okay.

Erik: That’s what the whole “fish out of water” thing’s about. If you have lung disease, jump back into the water. Put yourself into the environment—physical, emotional, spiritual—that is best for you.

Me: Okay. What about the approach? Is it basically finding an environment that suits you?

Erik: Physically find the environment that best suits you, and then emotionally groom it, energetically groom it—

(Pause while Jamie is swaying back and forth in her chair, laughing.)

Jamie: He’s saying, “Dust bunnies don’t disappear by themselves.”

Erik: That [negative] energy doesn’t disappear by itself.

Me: So, how do you groom your emotions and energy?

Erik: You groom your emotions by trying to identify what they are. You gotta know what they are. You gotta know where you’re coming from when you’re talking—

Me: So being emotionally honest.

Erik: Being emotionally honest! Bing!

Jamie (smiling): He’s so happy.

Erik (thrusting both index fingers out at me): So proud of you!

Me: I try. I’m not without skills.

Erik: That’s my mom!

Jamie and I laugh.

Jamie: He’s pointing at the screen.

Me: And the, uh, grooming your energy?

Erik: Grooming your energy. You gotta think about it as something simple or else people won’t sign up for it and that’s, you know… Imagine that when you’re taking a shower, not only are you cleaning the three dimensional surfaces, but you’re letting the water comes through and clean off the energy that’s in your energetic field. Just by simply thinking about it or pretending to clean it or having some meditation or imagination activity that gets you to get clean—like you can imagine—

(Long pause)

Jamie: Wow, that was random! (To Erik) I don’t think everybody’s going to know that. He’s talking about the Looney Tunes episode where the monster, the big red monster, and Bugs Bunny is combing the monster’s hair.

Me: I don’t remember that, but I can only imagine.

Erik: Imagine tangled hair and having a comb go through it until all of the tangles are brushed out.

Like he would know! I don’t think he even knows what a comb looks like much less pull one through that messy mop of his.

Erik: That’s what you need to pretend with the energetic field that you carry around with you, and that’s what you have to pretend, also, with your home.

I’m thinking that this whole exercise in imagination is all about how thought creates reality. I love it when physics backs up what he says.

Erik: Think about your bed, man.

Jamie: Oh yeah.

Me: I never make mine. Sorry.

Why bother when I’m going to crawl under the covers 16 hours or so anyway? Plus I’m lazy.

Erik: It’s not just about making it. Just think about the energy that lays in that shit!

Me: Mm hm. Ew. So you have to dust that one off, too.

Erik: Yeah, cuz you’re sleeping in it for eight hours a day, right?

Me: Hm. The dust bunnies under it and the sheets on top. Well, I think that makes a good ending. I’m going to close this off and go make my bed right now!

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Advice needed: Do any of you know how to advertise on Facebook, including adding/deleting keywords to maximize the effect? I’m thinking about starting an ad program for the book and blog. 

Finally, blog member, Jerry, saw this in a bookstore (dur) and snapped a picture. Look at that placement! Face forward. Yay! We’ll get there, peeps, and it wouldn’t have happened without you. 

Happy holidays, guys. I love you all.