Weekends are always really tough for me. During the week, I have plenty of distractions like work, carpool and the many menial chores required of running a household. Weekends are quiet. There is time to reflect. Time to mourn. Time to miss. Time to long. Time to wonder what Erik’s future might have held had it not been lost forever.
By Sunday evening, I hit a particularly deep emotional low. I sat in my car in the Kroger parking lot, sobbing. ‘Please, Erik,’ I begged. ‘Please send me a message that will lift me out of this dark, dark place. I need a sign. I need a definite sign to give me a reason to go on.’ Then I gave him specific instructions. ‘I want you to make sure that the next song on the radio delivers that meaningful message. Not the second or third song, the next one!‘ When he was alive, I had trouble getting Erik to comply with my different requests like completing his chores and finishing his homework, so I didn’t hold out hope for this one. Nevertheless, my prayers to him were answered in a Kelly Clarkson song, “Already Gone.” Here are the lyrics:
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hold you, now I can’t stop
I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone
I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone
I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone
They say our departed loved ones often use the radio to communicate with us. Erik’s older sister, Michelle, had a similar experience. More on that later. Listen to this wonderful song, this gift from Erik:
