Before we dive in, I have an exciting announcement. My daughter, Michelle, called me last night to tell me I’m going to have grand baby number two! She supposedly wasn’t even trying (Yeah, right) so I had no reason to suspect, but she when I answered the phone and she said, “Mom?” the first thing I said was, “You’re pregnant.” I just knew. Must have channeled it. Anyway, I’m so thrilled. Of course I’m going to have to hone my already pretty damn stellar spoiling skills and plug the coordinates in for the nearest Babies R Us, but these are just trivial details. 

As for this post. I know exactly what it feels like to be with a person who drains your energy. My now deceased younger sister, Denise, used to do that to me. Sorry, Denise, but you know it’s true. I still love you. No, she was like the black hole that sucked me dry. Always needing something and always asking questions about life and other things when I was obviously at my busiest. Bless her heart. That’s what we say in the South. Best her/his little heart. It gives us permission to insult someone like, “He’s so homely, bless his little heart,” or “She’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, bless her little heart.” See? It makes us sound like saints. Enough digression. Take it away, Erik!

Me: How do you deal with negative people without feeling so drained afterwards?

Erik: You piss on ‘em!

Jamie and I laugh.

Erik: First of all, do you have to fucking be there? That’s the number one thing I’m going to ask you. Do you have to be in that conversation? Do you have to be in that relationship? Do you have to be there? Most of the time, you don’t have to fucking be there, but you’re choosing to be polite, or you don’t want to be mean and walk away, or you think you’re the referee or the one with the answers, and you’re not. So most of the time it’s cured by, “Hey, can’t do this right now. Gotta go pee.” “Oh I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m outta here.” Number two, if you find you have to be there, then for you to feel drained, that means you gave it away. At the first moment that you’re feeling uncomfortable, “Ecch!”

Jamie (to Erik): Okay, it didn’t sound—okay.

She hauls off laughing.

Jamie: He goes, “Jamie, my sound effect didn’t sound so Jewish! Try it again!

Both of us have a hard time composing ourselves now.

Jamie: That was funny. I’m like, ‘How do I make it not sound Jewish?’ He made the “yuck” sound. He’s so funny sometimes! See, these are the moments that bring me such peace because there’s no way my internal head would be so witty and say these things!

Me: Aw, I’m glad he’s brought something to your life. That does my heart good.

(Pause)

Jamie: Thank you for sharing him.

Me: Thank you for being his voice and for being his friend and for putting up with him with that “crock of shit on high!”

I’m referring to a previous part of the session.

Jamie laughs.

Jamie: There are some things I could do without, but then he wouldn’t really be himself.

Me: So true. Thank god he’s not one of those “Welcome my dear one” spirits. That would be so boring.

Jamie: Oh, that’s like getting a massage where they pet you. They don’t really massage you.

She makes a gagging sound.

Me: Don’t gag again!

Jamie: Mm mm. Erik, you’re going to have to refresh me on what we were talking about, again.

Me: When you start feeling “yuck.”

Erik: When you start feeling uncomfortable, when you start feeling “yuck,” you have to acknowledge that a change has happened inside of you whether a boundary has been broken, whether the information makes you feel intellectually uncomfortable or whatever. Then you have to stop the person in the flow of things and say, “Excuse me. I’m not feeling comfortable with this. I need to know more,” or “I need you to pull back,” or “I need you take responsibility for this because I was not involved.” You can say, “Hey, I’m here just to listen. I’m not here to take the load off of your shoulders. I just want to be clear with you.” And you need them to know why you’re standing in front of them or why you’ve invested yourself in the relationship. Why are you there? And every time you start to feel that twinge of discomfort, you have to fucking speak up even if it’s your boss!

Jamie: He throws his arm out, gesturing to the air like somebody should be there. You know, “Your boss, right there!” You have to talk to your boss. You have to say, “Excuse me. I’m more productive when you can give me the ways that I can improve myself, but the critiques are not enlightening at all for what my needs are.”

Somebody’s getting a pink slip.

Erik: So be clearer. Just flat out, fucking tell them, people. Eventually, you won’t be uncomfortable at all. It might be uncomfortable to start doing that shit at first because you’re like, “Oh my god; I’m speaking up for myself! Ahhhhhh!”

Me: Yeah, really!

Erik: As you get in it two, three times, you’re like, “Whoa. Whoa. Wait a second.” Then you can start to identify where your real boundaries are. You’ll get really good at going, “Whoa. Whoa. You’re breaking through, and I don’t allow that shit. So again, here’s my boundary. This is what I need. This is how I’m feeling, so let’s do this.” If you’re participating in a –

Jamie (to Erik): Were you with me? No you weren’t!

Me: Huh?

Jamie: Yeah, he’s mentioning a situation I had. You know I had a car accident four years ago—

Me: Yeah, I remember.

Jamie: I was t-boned, and it screwed me royally.

Me: Yes.

Jamie: This morning I was driving to work, and I don’t block the side streets. I’m not that kind of driver. I leave them open for people.

Me: Yeah, sure!

Jamie: So I moved forward so that the side street behind my car could be open, and then all of a sudden I heard this horrible sound. Someone had gunned it from behind me to go across the street just like what happened with me, and he got t-boned. He got t-boned so hard that he went two houses down and landed in the front yard of his house.

Me: No!

Jamie: Yeah. It was crazy. I was shaking.

Erik: I know this because it’s so fresh in your memory.

Jamie: It just happened before I got to work. So I was shaking. I wasn’t a part of the accident. I didn’t get out of my car because I didn’t see the actual accident. I was so spooked that it was the same kind of thing that happened to me that I fled. The example that Erik’s giving is that when you’re in a situation where you feel like crap and you don’t have a voice and you’re not actually participating in it—

(Pause)

Jamie (Chuckling): He just came over and sat Indian style in front of me and goes, “You’re going to listen to this one, right, Jamie?” Yeah, I’m listening.

Me: Like you have a choice?

Erik: Then you identify: Why are you being so compassionate? Why are you extending your energy so far out from you to provide energy for the situation and sacrifice your needs? If it’s making you shake, if it’s making you uncomfortable, if it’s making you feel overwhelmed, then get your fucking energy back. That wasn’t your thing! You weren’t in it! And the way that you get it back is you breathe it back into your body, you reinstate your boundaries, and you go through the reality of it.

Me: Wait, what do you mean, “reinstate your boundaries?”

Erik: Just set them according to what you know is your responsibility and what isn’t.

Me: Okay. Got it.

(Long pause)

Jamie (to Erik): That’s the same thing, knowing what you’re responsible for. What’s the other one?

Erik: You can go through your boundaries by logically going through and discussing the realities of it. You know, “I wasn’t in the right of way.” “I wasn’t blocking the street.” “It was not my fault that she couldn’t see. She chose to go.” If you think through the reality of it, then you clearly see that you’re not attached to that situation. Yes, we’re all part of a Whole, but what I’m talking about is that sometimes people will feed their energy into a situation like a rape in Washington, D.C. when they live in California or a terrorist attack halfway across the world. You’re having these responses to them. You’re physically distraught. Why are you being triggered? Why do you feel like your energy has to be there? What is it that you think you’re doing with that energy? Find a better way to participate so that it addresses your needs and is within your means so it doesn’t create chaos and imbalance in your life. The one exercise I like to tell everybody is to send your energy to the core of the earth and allow the earth to shine your energy to the whole surface, to everyone’s feet who’s touching it, to every insect, animal, plant, air, clouds, planes, atmosphere, on and on. If you’re being attached to one situation, it’s triggering emotional, physical and chemical responses so the energy you’re blowing out is chaotic, too, so it’s not helping the situation. Channel it, put it into the earth and let the earth shine it out. The stronger and healthier that she can get, boy, she’s going to make one big fucking difference in our world, and that ain’t no pun.

Jamie and I chuckle.

Be sure to enter the Goodreads giveaway in the most recent post, guys!