Of course I still struggle with Erik’s death. I know I haven’t written about it very much for a long time, but I do. There are things that make me cringe like gunshots on TV shows or movies. For instance, I was watching a Netflix original series called “Damages” a while back and, without warning, one of the characters shot himself in the head. Same thing with the movie, “Braveheart.” Even the sound of a gun going off tears me up inside. I was watching the movie, “The Giver” yesterday with my son, Lukas, and when the main character had a flashback to a war, the gunfire broke me into tears. I guess that’s why this is all in my thoughts today.
I think the worst was watching a video of Erik at the gun range with his friend practicing with his new gun, one we had no idea that he had. Hearing the loud bang, bang, bang and knowing that horrible bullet created such devastation to his head and our family made me sob. I can’t remember how I stumbled upon it, but I never want to see that video again.
On a happier note, it’s time for another contest! Again, the prize is an autographed copy of my book. All you have to do is email me with the answer: emedhus@gmail.com. Here it is:
What is Erik’s main motto, the one he’s been trying to drill into our heads for the last few years?
Also, I’d really appreciate your support by clicking the “like” button on the following links:
Thanks in advance!
Now for Part Two about loss. It starts out a little slowly, but I love the exchange he and Robert have.
Robert: I’m not paying 100% attention to what he’s saying, so I hope this is making sense.
Me: Oh yeah. It does.
Erik (to Robert): Dude, shut up!
Robert and I laugh.
Me: Erik!
Erik: Come on. He knows I’m playing.
Robert: He talks to me like that all the time, and I tell him worse things, so…
Me: Oh no!
What a pair.
Robert: Sometimes I get mad at him, but I don’t yell at him.
Me (chucking): Oh, okay.
Robert: I’ll say, ‘Will you shut up!’
Me: Good for you Someone’s gotta keep that boy in line!
Robert: I swear! I’ve told you this before, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down because otherwise he’ll just keep going and going and going and going and going and going.
Me: That’s what he was like when he was here!
Robert: And sometimes he gets obsessed with things, and when he does, he won’t shut up about it. I get so sick of hearing about it and it’s like, ‘Please!’
Me: I know. I remember he got totally obsessed with respoking bicycle wheels. He learned how to do it, and he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I remember seeing him telling Maria all about it, and she had this glazed over look in her eyes because she could barely speak English, and she was totally bored with it anyway. He went on and on and on and on.
Robert: There was one time this Christmas or the one before when he kept bringing up this electric guitar like a sunset or sunburst—he used the word “sunburst” I think. I can’t remember the type it was, but—
Me: Fender? Was it a Fender?
Robert: Fender, that’s it! It started with an F. Sunburst Fender and he told me to tell you that’s what he wanted for Christmas as a joke, and he kept talking to me about that guitar incessantly, the things about it, why it’s so great. And then he’d start talking about the strings, how it’s made, and I don’t even remember all he said, because, honestly, I just tuned him out. Sometimes he says something interesting.
Robert laughs.
Me: Well, Erik, what do you have to say about that.
Erik (melodramatically): Dude, I’m hurt. I’m just so hurt.
Robert (giggling): He’s being silly!
Me: Of course.
Erik (in mock indignation): I’m not talking to you anymore, Mister!
Robert: Well, thank you!
Erik: Oh, well I’m going to keep talking to you, then.
Me: Yes, and he will.
Robert: His and my relationship is like best buddies and at the same time, brothers. He feels like a little brother to me.
Me: Aww, so sweet.
Robert: He does! It feels that way.
Enough of this long detour.
Me: All right, Erik. I have one more question along the lines of loss. Why do we have to wallow at first after these losses? You said we need to wallow at first. Why?
Erik: It’s because 1) we want to and 2) we need to.
Me: Why do we need to?
Erik: It’s an emotional need and an emotional want. If you noticed, I said want and need. Some people might think those are two different things, but the crazy thing about it is they are two different things and yet they’re also the same things.
Me (confused and rightfully so): What?
Robert: Yeah!
Erik: We’ll get into that at a later time, because that’s a little complicated.
Me: The problem is, I’ll forget to ask you that.
Erik: Oh, I’ll bring it up another time. I guarantee it.
Me: Okay.
Erik: There are some sessions that are coming up where those two will come into play. Robert and I have talked about it, and he likes to throw everything down in poems.
Me: That’s true!
Robert: I do! I’ve got tons of them about loss.
Me: Erik, is there anything else you want to share about loss?
Erik: Another thing I can say about loss is that people can use it as a pacifier, as justification to keep punishing themselves. If that’s your shtick, go for it, but eventually you’ve got to understand that you’ve only got so much skin on your body before you rip it all off.
Me: Ew.
Erik: You keep doing that and tattering your soul, then go for it. Nobody is going to stop you.
Me: Well maybe that’s it. We’re trying to wallow in it until it no longer holds any emotional charge.
Erik: That’s a great way to put it. You have to no longer need the emptiness that loss brings. You have to work it out of your system so that you no longer need or want it.
Me: Yeah, it’s like you talking about respoking bike wheels. Eventually, you got tired of it.
Erik: Yeah, and then I moved on to something else.
Robert: Yeah, something else to make our lives miserable!
Me: Exactly.
And we come full circle.
