I say this not to invite sympathy but to show an understanding for those in the same boat. Those who still grieve and are poleaxed by triggers from time to merciless time. Yesterday was a terrible day. For some unfathomable reason, I read through all of Erik’s Facebook messages before his death. How sad. So many calls to “Chill.” To be friends. To go out as potential girlfriends. Almost all of them went unanswered. The worst one was when Erik was messaging a friend, telling him he was having a really hard time. He pleaded for help. Pleaded for the “friend” to save his life. Again, unanswered. It made me sob, because it reminded me what a horrible life he had and how little support he had from his friends. I struggling now with anger and resentment. All I could say yesterday was, “I hate those f-ing assholes.”
Okay, enough ranting. Now for the post.
I can’t help wonder, yet again, how the universe presents us with these incredible synchronicities. As I edit this segment, the next in queue, I realize that only recently a daredevil crossed the span of Niagra Falls on a seven ton tightrope. Read on an see what I mean. Erik was particularly rambunctious in this one. We start out with a bit more about the spiritual aspect of anorexia and bulimia. We’ve covered other aspects of the disease during the Karen Carpenter interview as well.
Me: What’s the spiritual basis for anorexia and bulimia, Erik?
Erik: A person who denies they need glasses.
Jamie and I giggle, but with a bit of confusion.
Erik: They can’t see themselves for who they are. So, it’s like a blind spirit coming into a body that can see. All the other connections make sense, but how they view themselves make absolutely NO sense whatsoever. It’s really self-destructive.
Me: Yeah.
Erik: It’s a kind of self-punishment that they want to follow through with. A lot of times I’ve seen it become triggered by past lives where they’ve had gluttony or abundance while other people suffered, so they want to come into this life and create suffering for themselves while everybody else is balanced and has abundance.
Me: What about self-love and the ability to nurture oneself? Is there a lesson in there too?
Erik: Hell, yeah. That’s what the punishment is for.
Me: Oh, I see.
Me: Is there any way to go back in time to mend the past? Some people didn’t get that when you talked about it in reference to the post about childhood and sexual abuse.
Erik: How you go back and mend the past?
Me: Right.
Erik: Well, let’s look at the word “mend.” A lot of people think that when you tear your jeans that you get, you know, a needle and thread and you just sew that shit together and it’s fine. That’s mending. It’s making that gap or wound disappear. So, that’s not the exact visual that’s going to work for when we mend our history. I’m using the word history because you like to see time as linear.
Me: Yes, of course. That pesky time thing keeps popping up, doesn’t it?
Jamie: He’s making a funny face. Grrrrr!
Erik: So, we’re going to keep using the word, mend, but I want you to look at mend as being defined as getting to the gap or the wound or the tear in the jeans and not sewing it up but building a bridge from one side to the other.
Me: You’re talking about jeans like denim jeans?
Erik: Yeah, like the ones you wear.
Me: Oh, at first I thought you meant genes, g-e-n-e-s. I guess that’s the doctor in me.
Erik: Nah, I’m a simple guy.
I laugh.
Erik: So, you don’t want to change the terrain; you don’t want to change the road. We can’t change things, really. What we can do is build on what that wound has given us so that it no longer creates or triggers a pain or a pattern or a discomfort. We build a bridge over it to allow ourselves to walk over the wound, look down into the gaping hole and admire it for what it was and what it’s going to give us or teach us. We’re not going to try to heal it from the bottom up and make it disappear.
Me: Okay, so how do we best do that? How can we build that bridge?
Erik: Hypnosis is one way. Regression work, getting back into that moment where you are able to see with adult eyes—NON-JUDGING ADULT EYES! People, are you listening? Non-judging adult eyes. It’s called observation.
Jamie: Smart-ass!
Erik: Ob-ser-va-tion to look at what the abuse was, what the pain was, what the separation was and be able to see all the characters involved. What you will come across is that you handled yourself, as that child, the best way that you could in that situation, in that environment, but as you grew older, you attached your wound to the “what if,” “why didn’t I?” and “where are the answers?” But that’s the older person not being able to observe. It’s the older person saying, “We need to sew up the wound. We need to heal it from the bottom up and get rid of it!” That’s bullshit! Why do people get rid of things that they feel aren’t pretty? Why do people get rid of pain? Pain and non-pretty things and wounds still make us who we are.
Jamie (half crying): God, I—I’m giving a full on bow to Erik. (She chokes up, then clears her throat.)
Me: That is amazing.
Jamie (to Erik): That was said so beautifully!
Me: Well done, Erik. Wow. You gave me goosebumps on that one.
Jamie: My god! Sometimes I’m just so in awe of how he wraps things up—
Me (giggling): And there are other times that he’s such a little shit?
Jamie (laughing): Uh huh!
Me: Oh, you’re so sweet, Erik!
Jamie: Oh, he’s going back to when you’re in regression work.
Erik: Yeah. When you’re working with someone who is psychologically trained, then they can help that child in the regression—they’re in the regression, right? They’re in the regression to help that child see that they were whole and complete and they had an experience. It doesn’t have to be a wound. You can keep the landscape that it created—the hole, the smashed heart, the whatever, but let’s build the structure around it—this bridge—so we can look at it and admire it and see ourselves as survivors. Survivor doesn’t always have to be linked to, “I survived death,” “I survived cancer,” you know, to use the word, “survive” like “I survived that friendship,” or “I survived that job,” you gotta just make sure we can teach them to observe.
