And now (drum roll, please) for the final segment in my channeling session with psychic medium extraordinaire, Felix Lee Lerma. As always, comments are welcome.
Erik wants you to quit beating yourself up over what happened.
Yeah.
He said you’re being hard on yourself.
Well I think back on my last conversation with him before I left the house, just moments before he killed himself, and it was basically me fussing at him for taking the family pit bike to one of his friend’s house without permission. I told him to be sure to pick it up before he left for school. I mean, I didn’t yell. I just said it in a firm but motherly way. Looking back, I don’t know what I could have done differently. I mean, I’m his mom; I have to discipline him.
Yes, of course.
And when he reacted with a smart-alecky look on his face and said he wasn’t going to school ever again, I thought he was using his typical passive aggressive technique. He often tried to punish us by refusing to do something he knew was important to us. I just told him, “Yes, of course you’re going to school. You can’t have any more absences. What do you mean, you’re not going to school?” but he didn’t answer. He just went upstairs and asked me when we were coming back. Why didn’t I see what, in retrospect, is obviously an announcement of his intentions for suicide or a cry for help? Maybe this would all have played out so differently.
You did the right thing.
But deep inside, I always knew this would eventually happen and that no amount of prevention and intervention would have helped. Still, I wonder.
It was his destiny.
Well, I’m glad that I’ve always made a point of telling all of my kids how much I love them, how much they mean to me. Not a day goes by that I don’t make that clear to them. Every time we part ways, every phone call, it’s all about how much I love them. I tell them how grateful I am to be their mom. At least I don’t have regrets about that.
Absolutely.
Now, my husband and Erik often battled a bit.
And that’s why he wants his dad to know it’s okay.
Yeah.
You know, he still loves him. It’s all right.
Sure, sure.
Erik’s saying that your husband just wanted to make him a man. He wanted him to be a man, but your son did what he was going to do.
Yep, exactly.
He wasn’t going to listen to anybody. Stubborn. Stubborn kid.
Oh, yeah!
Very stubborn kid, He says, “Felix, if I wanted to do something, I was going to do it.”
That is so true. It’s so Erik. Nobody could change his mind, especially towards the end. That’s how he acted, even if it meant doing things that were grossly wrong that he knew we would eventually discover, like pawning all of Rune’s guns for a new hunting rifle. No amount of consequence could prevent him from doing what he wanted. He seemed so out-of-control toward the end, like he was hurtling down the tracks toward an oncoming train.
Yes.
I need more information for Annika. She’s still having trouble. She’s afraid to get any phone calls; she’s afraid that when Rune and I leave the house we’re never going to come back…it’s like the world as she understood it before is now vulnerable. After losing her brother, anything bad could happen.
Aw, of course. He was someone very important to her. Are you sure he wasn’t cremated? He keeps showing me ashes.
No, he wasn’t. Oh wait, I know what he’s talking about. My sister from California had us bless his room and other parts of the house with smudge sticks. (This is some sort of Native American tradition. You light these special sticks and hold them in all of the corners and then in the middle of the room to remove the violent or negative energy. There were ashes everywhere afterwards.) We also light candles for him everyday and the air-conditioning filters are black with ash.
He’s just letting me know that’s important. He’s thanking you. That’s what he wants to say. He’s talking about a past life in England. Past lives did have a lot to do with the way he felt and the way he was this last lifetime. You know, some people come into their lives feeling lonely no matter who’s around.
Yeah.
He’s one of them.
He was lonely, yes.
Yeah. But he wasn’t lonely because no one wanted to connect with him; he was lonely because that’s the way he was.
That’s true. One of his last Facebook entries was “Always lonely.” But he was always surrounded by people who adored him, whether family or friends. He had no shortage of friends and no shortage of love. Anything else for Annika from him, any special message?
He says, “This has really freaked her out,” and he’s just so sorry. And the way he did it, that’s what gives her nightmares.
Okay.
She just has images of this. Nobody witnessed this, I hope. Did they?
Maria was the only one at home. She heard it and called us, because we were on our way to lunch. Of course we turned the car around and went back, because I knew. I knew what had happened.
Yeah.
And Annika’s room is right next to his, so she had to sleep downstairs with us for month. I saw, though. I went up there to his room, because as a doctor, I wanted to check him, to see if he could still be alive. That was very hard; it’s hard for me to get that image out of my mind.
Yeah, he just wants to apologize to you, because you had to see him that way. You know, there’s part of me that wonders, for you, Elisa, this has been so traumatic…this happened last year?
Yeah, in October.
It’s so fresh! It’s only been a little over six months! It’s important that you go through the grieving process.
Oh I do. I’ve done it all. I still cry every day, several times a day.
You know, you’re an old soul too, Elisa, so you understand these things.
Yeah.
And you’re going to miss him just like anyone would miss someone, but you understand the spiritual side of things.
Yeah.
For Annika, she needs to continue seeing a therapist. She’ll come to be closer to him when she’s older, but it’s just too fresh for her right now. It would freak her out to even talk to me.
Yeah, I understand.
He’s encouraging her to dance. Music is important to her.
Oh, okay, she actually does take dance in school, so yeah! Now tell me more about this David guy.
A boyfriend. Hasn’t happened yet but it’s coming up.
Oh, okay.
It’s David, Daniel, something starting with a “D-A.” He’s showing me Florida.
We use to have a boat in Florida.
He keeps showing me Florida for some reason. It has to be a good memory for him.
Well, it probably is, because we used to go to the Bahamas and other places every year in our boat. He had great childhood memories. We’d go to these little uninhabited islands and explore, and…
This is his way of thanking you for those memories. Was there a childhood friend of his named Christopher? He keeps saying, “Say ‘hey’ to Christopher.”
Yes, a neighbor we’ve known since he was two or three years old. They grew up together. Erik always called him Christopher but most people called him “Chris.” What about Valentin or Sean. They were also close friends. Any messages for them?
Hold on, I’m losing connection. He’s sort of waving to me. When I see the “wave sign” it sort of means he’s disconnecting. It takes a lot of energy and I feel like I’m becoming weaker. He’s not disappearing. It’s me. I feel like I’m losing him because my energy is dropping.
Oh sure, I can imagine it takes a lot.
He’s waving to me and saying, “Felix, Felix, I have to let you go.” He’s making me feel like he wants you to know how important the entire family is to him and things are still fresh. It’s important for everyone to go through their grieving process in their own unique way.
Oh, sure.
There’s no right way to grieve. There’s one way and that’s the way of the person who’s grieving.
Exactly. What helps me most is helping others. Like reaching out to people, especially parents who have lost a child, has really been an important part of my grieving, my healing. Also, I’m working on a screenplay that will hopefully help spread the word to young people that suicide is not the best option.
Yes, exactly. People don’t understand suicide. It’s a spiritual thing. It’s someone saying, “I miss being home. I want to go home.”
I just don’t want Erik’s death to be in vain.
It’s not in vain.
And I want us to work together to make the world a better place, even if only a little.
Wow.
As I close this entry, I encourage all of you to read the previous ones, because Felix is an amazingly gifted psychic. His art deserves to be discovered and lauded. I’m honored, as is Erik, to have crossed his path.
