I may have mentioned this before, but after the death of Erik’s ex-girlfriend, he took an overdose of Provigil, a medication sometimes used for ADHD. This is the topic of today’s entry. It brings back a lot of sad memories of how much he suffered in life as well as a realization that he was so happy out of his body. Sigh.
Me: When you overdosed on Provigil, what really happened, Erik? Did you leave your body? Did you die and come back? Who did you see?
Erik: I did leave the body. My body shut down.
Jamie: It’s weird, because he doesn’t use the word, “die.”
Erik: Yeah, my whole body shut down; I was completely unaware of my physical body, but I had this whole consciousness awareness. I don’t remember how my body felt, if I was in pain, nothing.
Me: I remember you were holding hands with these invisible spirits, at least invisible to me, but you could clearly see them; you were talking to them. One was Aunt Denise and the other was your girlfriend, Allie. (To Jamie): Allie was a very sweet girl who was shot accidentally in the head at a party by some idiot who just bought a new gun, brought it to the party, and, because he was drunk, he forgot that he reloaded it. Before the party started, the neighbor checked to make sure it was unloaded, but, well, you know, guns and alcohol just don’t mix. So, he pointed it to the back of Allie’s head and asked, “Are you afraid to die,” and she said, “No,” and he pulled the trigger and that was it. It was a little graduation celebration for some high school seniors, so you can imagine how many lives have been scarred as a result. Erik wasn’t there, but he never did get over that, and I think that the event was instrumental in his decision to commit suicide. Anyway, the guy is in jail now for a very long time. Sad all around.
Me: So were they really there, or were you just hallucinating?
Erik: Before, I would have told you it was all hallucination, but now that I’m here and can talk to them and get their end of the story, I know it was real. They were there. They were there with me, helping me.
Me: Okay. Were they trying to convince you to stay, or…
Erik: Yep. But I couldn’t understand why, because I did that to be closer, to be free.
Me: Yeah, it was amazing, because I hadn’t seen you that happy and light for years. You were just like you used to be before you got bipolar disease, so funny and full of joy as you were talking to them both.
Jamie: He’s kind of looking up into space.
Erik: Wouldn’t you? That was my first time having conversations with them since they died.
Me: Yeah, absolutely.
Erik: If somebody had gotten through my thick skull that I could do that in a wake state, I would have learned how to do it!
Me: Yeah, I wish I knew how to do it. I have to keep practicing, I guess.
Erik: Well, you’re getting really good with me!
Me: Oh good! Yeah, I’m trying to practice meeting with you under a big oak tree in the middle of a beautiful green meadow, talking with you.
Jamie (chuckling): He’s looking at me and he goes, ‘It’s classic!’
Me: I know, what a stereotypic scene for that!
Jamie and I both laugh.
Me: Do you think you would have accomplished more here if you had stayed, or…
Erik: No! Hell no!
Jamie: He cut you off, like “NO!”
Me: Okay. So do you think this near death experience you had made it easier for you to pull that trigger on October 9th?
Erik: Sure. You know, I intended for the pills to do it, but then I got scared that you wouldn’t find my body for several days, because I was sitting in my (truck.) And I got scared that I would survive and be some sort of vegetable, like damaged permanently. So that helped me decide to go with a gun. And after experiencing the freedom and how easy it felt to just leave the body, that fear of the unknown was gone. I knew after the overdose thing that death was not final and that Denise, Allie, and others would be there for me. It just felt so good and so right. Of course part of the reason, I found out later, was that it was my destiny to do the work you and I are doing now, but I didn’t know all that at first—-not before I died and not right away after my transition.
Me: Well, I’m glad I got to have you for a few more months, physically, anyway.